Temporary distance

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Quarrels are part of every relation. Until you are fighting and arguing, your relation is alive. Both sides want compromise, want to progress, to run for better situation. Even you are swearing, still you care about your partner because you want to prove him something. Quarrels are process of learning. On this point i don’t think about physicall conflict with fist, on abusing or yelling that everyone in the street could hear your scream. I think about healthy, constructive relation where two parties debate and discuss about important problems in their relation.

Suddenly, one of them suggest silence. Temporary distance, tampon zone where nobody can cross and time is the main factor. 

So, it could involve next solutions:

I will sleep in another room.

Ok, you might leave common bed and sleep in separated room. You will not runaway, just silence is something what you need.

I will live in my flat or with my parents, for a while.

Well, define this deadline. For a while can’t be too long time, things might chill out, but next step is frozen relation.

I will date with others.

Ooops, very hot zone. Are you sure? You might hurt each other, because dating with others is step out from relation.

I know some couples solve things on quiet way, that one side shut up and continue with life as it was, and that is also not good because defeated side swallow pride and dignity, but all for the sake of marriage. Temporary distance would be also similar solution, just other side of this mirror. Now, i am leaving for a while, and you do what you wish. This kind of solution is way of partner who wish to get out from relation, but to make less pain to his other half.  Do you think temporary distance could work out?

Here are two examples. In first, it was good solution. In second, it was not.

Gary and Serena were married for a year, they had little kid and problems did not disappeared. Serena went to her parents, as she said, on weekend. She stayed for a week. Her parents were arguing every day. They were nervous because Serena came with their grandson, and they had no enough money to help her with food for kid, for clothes and all unecessary things. After a week, and after Serena got some life lessons from her mother, that husband is someone she must respect, Serena came back to Gary. She saw, maybe their marriage is not perfect, but she doesn’t want to live with parents again.

Daniele and Kurt were married for a ten years. She used to go on vacation to visit her parents, on the sea. It was every summer, and for them it was normal, because Kurt could not get vacation in this time, or he claimed he can’t ask the boss to let him in July on vacation. After summer, Daniele found out the truth, her husband had mistress 2 years. So it was end of their marriage.

When conflict try to burn your relation, you need water, but not ice. 


Too much ice will chill you out, forever. Go away from partner, but not too long. Sometimes, strangers will see that something is not good and they will warn you to talk with your partner. Tensions are visible in publicity. I prefer to say my husband all what is bothering me. He said also all unpleasant things and after all cards are on the desk, smile is next . 

I don’t believe in effects of temporary distance. As one my neighbor said : ” I can let my cow to go on neighbor’s meadow, but she will stay there and i will stay without cow. ” Harsh, funny but symbolic. 


Nobody can push away your partner from you , as you can do it. 


It is not point is grass greener on other side. The point is , how you treat your grass, how you cherish your relation. Temporary distance might show you just this, that you do some things on wrong way. 

Distrust-voluntary prison

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Between trust and foolishness is thin line. If you believe to everyone, you are ideal target for manipulation and cheaters. If you look at world with four eyes and walk on the street as gun is behind your back, you are paranoid. What we need is balance, how to draw boundaries between fair and unfair people.
If you are distrustful, one of side effect is loneliness. Everyone is your enemy , even person who gave you hand maybe hold poison in other hand.
The main question is, what made you so disappointed?
Parents who did not care for you enough.
Unhappy childhood, where other kids laughing to you, and you were street clown.
Bad relations with wrong choices of partners.
Lack of trust has own development. If you lost trust, you are under bad influence of wrong people, or you are pessimist by nature. One of areas were we lose trust is workplace. People at work are beasts, and workplace is a jungle.
Helen works in office as civil servant, for a five years. She is silent woman, but not stupid. She talks when this is necessary and her life is secret shelter. Someone would think that she could not be target for enemies. An opposite, her boss Carl doesn’t like her. He thinks that Helen is perfidious person. When Helen started to work, Carl did everything that Helen feels pleasant. She wrong understood his actions, as kind of flirt. Indeed, Carl is married man and he did not have bad intentions. Helen lost trust on previous workplace, where she was victim of mobbing. So Carl paid for other’s mistakes.
Do you allow yourself to lose trust in people?
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You are paranoid person in next cases:
If you look at new people as potential enemies.
If someone invites you to drink coffee, and you are asking for a hidden intentions.
If you walk on the street, and you think that every wrong blink of eye and smile is focused at you, to tease you.
If you reject offer for a date, because you are sure that man or woman will use you as toy.
 
 
I knew guy who had the same excuse for every woman he rejected. He said : “For sure she wants my money. ” So poor women did not have a chance because they were all considered as money hunters.
Paranoid person is very unpleasant company. Even if you don’t talk you are suspicious. If you talk too much, you are annoying. And if you talk with others while she is near, for sure she thinks that you gossip her.
 
In worst cases, such person can isolate herself from others and nobody can’t approach her. It is easy intro in suicide. Caution is healthy habit because this is selection of person you can trust. Distrust is denial of confidence. This is situation where you shut every door and burn every bridge, because once in past someone hurt you.
Once when darkness swallows you, it is hard to get back. Books and movies are your best friends, and music is only connection with real world. This world you created looks beautiful, but still you are only habitat there. Only you have keys to get out from this voluntary prison.

Blank space

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Good recipe for successful relation is in healthy dose of absence. If you don’t spend 24 hours a day with your partner, if you don’t follow him everywhere, he will miss you. Let he wonder where are you, what are you doing and sparks will be around all the time.

Weekend time is often subject of discussion, because we should spend it with beloved person. If you work all week, some free moments at weekend are precious to share it with the one who is the most important for you. But, what if sometimes he wish to spend time with his friends?

Now i see  faces of wondering, and some women will make scenes if he wants to go out with his friends. What she will do alone in Saturday or Friday night?

Ladies, here are things which you never should do in this case.

Don’t threat him that you will leave him if he goes out without you. He will feel pressure, like he is in jail.

Don’t make scenes and especially don’t follow him in place where he will go.

Don’t cry as it is end of the world.

Don’t use situation to cheat him, because he doesn’t deserve this.

Don’t be angry on him when he came back , to make him feel guilty. He did not kill anyone.

In this situation, you can do things which are not possible when you are together. Watch some movie by your taste. For example, he doesn’t like ” Love rosie”, so you can watch this alone, without his complaint that he feels as teenage girl. Maybe you wish to talk with your female friends and he would get bored with you? Now is a time to invite your friends on tea and trade gossips or compare how much weight you need to lose. Or which haircut is the most popular. Or is Bradley Cooper the most handsome actor or Orlando Bloom. Such conversations get on nerves to every man.

Jade is woman who never complaint on her boyfriend Cole. Once in two month he went out at business dinner and later in night club with his friends. Later, when he came back, he is very horny. She let him to sleep after, she make him lunch and they walk together in the park. Cole is grateful because his girlfriend knows a lot about tolerance. 

How much blank space is allowed to your partner?

Not every guy is fair player. Someone will use this benefit to cheat and lie to his girlfriend. If you cannot trust him, search what he is doing, because it is not hard to find out. Man who spent more time with friends than at home is for surely cheater. There must be a balance, how much time you will be with your partner and how much time is for personal, free activities. That is difference between single and taken. You have freedom even you are taken, but this freedom comes with respect for your partner. 


There is magical word – deal. If you have agreement and if you don’t hide nothing, you have right on your blank space. Otherwise, this transformation from taken to single will come out very fast.

Naughty girls do it better

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Once upon a time Croatian singer Sanja Doležal had a song ” good girls go to paradise, bad girls go where they want.” This pop song described whole situation about women behavior.

Big selection in women world starts from childhood. Good girl has always nice dress, she is tidy, decent and usually silent, she talks only when someone ask her to answer. She will not play with boys in the playground, she will not make fights with other kids and she will be beloved daughter of her mother. Bad kiddo will fight with boys because she is interested on plastic guns more than for Barbie dolls. Later you can see bad girl how she is reading Alan Ford and smiling. Bad girl will cry and laugh loud, and her mother will have troubles because she is full of surprises.

As teenager, good girl will be still a virgin. She will wait husband until she will make love first time. She saved herself for first wedding night. Bad girl will change boys because she is restless and wild and she want to collect experience before she settles down in marriage.

 

Since good girl were a role model all the time, we can expect a reward. Good and devoted husband. Well mannered kids. Harmony in marriage. But, surprise, that is not what always happens. Barbara was really good wife. She was cooking as chef, her house was clean as drugstore, and she had always elegant clothes as a lady. She used to prepare dinner and her guests were selected only from good families and with good reputation. Her husband Hank was very proud on her. It was almost a fairy tale. One day Barbara appeared with black eye, she apologized to her friends that she slipped and fall in front of her house. After few weeks, Barbara has arm in bondage. All were curious what is happening. Hank had dirty secret, he was cheating Barbara with call girls and he spent huge money so whole family was in financial troubles. When Barbara complaint that she had no more money for college of their daughter Mona, he got mad and push her, she fall and hit her head. She was wounded, and he repeated this again. Later they divorced, and Barbara could not understand why this happened to them. She was good wife, she was devoted, faithful, woman from guidance, as example how wife should be. The only thing she did not accept is to have sexual experiments with her husband. She was well mannered and she could not agree with this.

The step between good and bad is not big. Nobody say that woman should be a slut, neither virgin. The problem is, when they expect award for being so good and pure. They think that bad things are not happening to good people. Woman was raped? She was bad. Woman was cheated? Yes she was bad too. 

You can be pure as angel and still you will not avoid troubles. Bad guy and good woman are not rare combination. Good and innocent woman can be very nice target for bad guys. They know all tricks, and innocent and inexperienced woman will be an excellent match for them, to cover their activities. 

That is why path of so called good girls is limited.

 If you are so good that you can’t allow yourself any form of freedom, you will maybe go to heaven and paradise, but you will not go to place where you want to go. Maybe you will not visit your parents without permission of your husband, you will not go with friends in coffee bar and for sure you will not wear provocative clothes, short skirts and high heels. You are decent woman, and that clothes is for sluts, isn’t it?

In the club

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People are looking for love in different places. Love is hiding in the corner , so you can meet someone special in the train, taxi, during lunch pause in business restaurant, even on the street. You never know where Cupid go for his duty. If you have plan how to meet special person, first think about location. Many  guys will visit nightclubs, in hope to catch attractive girl. 

No matter are you young or old, you must behave in night club if you don’t want to be kicked out. So, if you are not drunk, if you don’t participate in fights, you will still be undesirable there, for one special reason – if you annoy women.

So, what kind of failures guys do, when they wish to approach to women?

If you buy her drink, don’t hug her immediately. 

I remember when i accepted drink from unknown guy. He hugged me, and i invited waiter, i asked him how much is this cocktail, and i paid by myself. Then, i told him to stay away from me. If you try to touch me , even you don’t know me, you are idiot. I don’t sell myself for one juice or beer.

If you dance with her, don’t be too close, this is not dirty dancing.

You could be slapped or ashamed. Not every girl is sweet and kind, especially when you cross the limits.

If you see girl who is alone near bar, don’t approach her immediately. Give yourself a time.

Even couples are not together whole night. Maybe her boyfriend went to buy her drink, or to toilet. Don’t be inpatient.

If girl is drunk, don’t try to use her for sex.

First, man who can use drunk girl is not a gentleman. Second, she can’t enjoy with you, she will not remember, so that is equal as rape.

Don’t fall on sexy look immediately. Disco lights and makeup are big liars. This hot girl is not so sexy by daily lights. 

You can ask me “Which kind of idiot doesn’t know how to behave in club? ” You would be surprised. In some countries young people don’t go to parties. They skip this from different reasons, religious, financial or simply they don’t enjoy in this. On this way, they have no clue what is appropriate, and what is not accord unwritten rules of society. Also, boy who stuck in virtual space is lost in reality. So imagine that you took such man, to dance in the club? They need some guidance.

How we can know that someone never went at party?

You can recognize such man at first sight. 

He drinks mineral water.

He stand in the corner and stare in girls as they are aliens.

He doesn’t dance, if he do, heat is clumsy as clown.

He will spend all his money to buy drinks for girls, and they will use him as bank.

He will go around, from one girl to another, and every of them will reject them. 

His clothes looks as from museum. Person who never went in night club is out of fashion. 

Night clubs and bars are places of cruelty. Sometimes, you will feel as fisherman with empty net. You spent all food but catch is zero. Guys with sexy look and fast cars will take all cream, and what is left to you, are pieces of cake. Or , you can try to find love in another place, where another qualities will show up. Loud music will not give you chance to take wise conversation . If you want to impress girl on such place, show her that you know how to have fun. Then , take her number and invite her tomorrow, for a date. 

Flirt – bad substitute for love

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Words “i love you” are magical words. Even the most coldest woman will tremble when her partner start to talk about love and his feelings toward her. Indeed, these words are powerful, but only if their source is in the heart.

Unfortunately, these words also can be abused in other purposes. 


When someone say “i love you”, meaning might be this:

i love you because i want to make love with you

– i love you because you have money

– i love you because i want to recover from last relation

– i love you because you are first person i will have sex

We can’t blame person if he/she doesn’t know meaning of this words. But, effect can be terrible if nothing stands under this. When actions prove opposite, words are useless.

John and Diane were dating about a month. He said to her “i love you” when they make love first time. After that he did not call her few days. She was confused and she asked him is it over. He replied : “i am busy, here is lot of snow, i must clean snow in front of my house, i have no time for romance.”

Diane felt like a fool but she was happy later when he called her on next date. Few days later, he did not call her again. She started to cry and she called him. 

Why you did not call me? Am i boring to you? Is it over?

– That is what you said. As you wish.

It was that conversation, and they never met again. John did not want to tell open that he used Diane only for sex. It would be too transparent. Few sweet words, trip in the forest, sex in car, and he got what he wanted. Then he get out from this story easy like the snake. Diana felt like she is guilty because she was desperate and she was annoying him. In fact, John did not wanted relation at all. He wanted adventure and he used words of love to get what he wants.



Real love is more than few words, one night of sex and one drink in the night bar. Adventures and flirts are things which develop very fast. Love grows slow. Mutual interests, discussions, conversation about problems, meeting his or her family members. 

Yes, all this could be annoying and you will feel burden sometimes, but this is for person you really love.  So far from your partner for one night stand.

Obssessed lovers

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Remember how your beloved partner ran for you in the start of your relation? Your heart beats and your are trembling because situation is unpredictable, will he call? Deep sigh, now phone is ringing and you can sleep well, you can learn for an exam because he loves you.

With years, love can melt as ice on the sun. Someone loves too much, and the other feels as in chains. You are choking in all this emotions. That is why love needs health sense and balance.

You are the air i breath, you are my everything, i would die for you. Big words, but if you look on other side, isn’t it somehow scary? Person who lives for you doesn’t live own life. She is dedicated to  you by her own will. Does she live for herself too?

There are two kind of people who are addicted to love on unhealthy way.

1. person who is totally dedicated to you

2. person who wants your complete dedication

When love relation is healthy, you will not spend 24 hours with that person every day. You have friends, job, parents, brothers or sisters, hobbies. Sometimes you want to be alone and watch your favorite movie or listen your favorite music. Also you want to read book in silence. Your soulmate should not be angry because this is part of your personality. 

Obsessed person will have different reactions. So, Karen and Lance really loved each other and they were so hot couple. Lance adored ground where she was walking. He would make every evening beautiful, with rose petals on bed and delicious dinner with candles. One morning Karen went to hairdresser. She left just short note that she wants to change her hairstyle. For half hour Lance came there and sit near her. She was angry and she felt unpleasant, what is her boyfriend doing on such woman’s place?

Darling, i want to see this changes, this is so exciting, i know that you will be beautiful.

Next time Karen was in coffee bar with her best friend. Lance came there with flowers to surprise her. He paid two more drinks just to be with them. Karen was now furious.

Damn, i can’t breath with your presence. Can’t you go to toilet with me to watch me?

Lance was hurt, he begged her to forgive him, but he continue to do same mistakes. When he said that he did all for love, Karen said:

No, you don’t love me. You are obsessed with me. That is big difference, because in real love you would respect my wishes. 

Crazy love doesn’t know for limits and boundaries. We can choke our partner with strong desires and big passion. Such persons don’t ask what their partner wish. They justify their acts with love. Obsession can be dangerous and someone can even kill partner if that kind of love is not accepted. Crime from passion is not rare act. You don’t deserve such love so now you will be punished. How dare you , to broke my heart? 

That is why love needs space and time. Treat love gentle as you hold a butterfly. Don’t break this fragile wings, cherish them with attention.

Abstinence

 

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Carpe diem, enjoy until you can, use you time in complete way. Live with full lungs. Saturday night came and Kate is going out. She will drink and have sex with her boyfriend. After that she will eat pizza. Sounds like heaven for hedonists.
Her plans went wrong. She was sick from too much vodka with tonic. Two hours later she was sitting  on toilet and puke all this fluid. Her boyfriend helped her to get into bed, but he could not get even kiss from her. Pizza got cold because Kate could not stand even smell of her favorite food. She ruined whole night and big part of next day.
She started to think about herself as an animal without control. Then she decided about abstinence from alcohol. She managed to do it about one month. This was cleaning period and she felt pure, she was drinking lot of water and headache was not her problem anymore in early Sunday morning.
Why people decide for abstinence?

Reasons can be various.

If you don’t want sex before marriage, you are maybe religious, traditional and you will restraint from your desires.

Maybe you passed through bad experience, as Kate.

You want to test yourself, are you so weak that you can’t deny alcohol, drugs or even sex or you can live without it.

Health problems can be another reason.
Your doctor can recommend you abstinence from some kind of food and you will go to diet.
We are testing our limits.
How far we can go without things we thought we can’t live until now?

Abstinence can also be kind of punishment.
You refuse  sex with your partner because he hurt you.

You want to prove yourself that you are master in this game. 


It is good to be free from something what makes damage. If purpose of abstinence is that we should feel better and stronger, that is right thing. But, if abstinence is just kind of self punishment, this will not last long period. We will break sooner or later. This chains will not be good solution.
If you are curious how would your life look without some things, try abstinence. Maybe you will have spiritual experience and you will look at life from other perspective.

Pieces of your heart

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The space between former and new relation is space for questions. What i need, what i wish and what i expect? Result of expectation can lead into disappointment, so as much we wish miracle, it will not happen always. New love will not heal scarves from previous relations if we are doing the same mistakes. If you had six relations during 10 years, and if all broke, problem is not in partners, problem is inside of you.

Love is as your favorite meal. Don’t eat if you are not hungry. If you are half hungry, don’t eat too. Wait to empty your stomach or in this case, wait for empty space in your heart. When you don’t have patience to wait right opportunity or you simply can’t handle loneliness, love remains will be in the air as viruses. Your ex lover will stay in your fantasies, until you hold hand of your present lover.

Patricia was big fan of wild guys, she was addicted to drama and all her love stories were measured with big amount of pain. On some way, she enjoyed to cry and suffer, because also grief is deep feeling which shake her inside, as storm. The only thing she never liked was boredom. After relations with Max and Gareth, her next target was Joseph. He was different from her usual pattern, he never had car accident and in fact every mother would like to invite him on family dinner. Patricia wanted to get rest from excitements after Gareth suddenly abandoned her.

One day she went into club with Joseph and there was Gareth. He was alone, smoking, and her eyes were all the time on Patricia. He did not want to date with her again, but he wanted to spoil her new relation, because it was challenge. Patricia returned him significant eye blink, and they were staring to each other like Joseph was not there.

He asked her who is that guy.

– Oh yes i heard about him. So leather jacket you bought me, isn’t it similar as on Gareth? You wanted that i stop shave my beard for few days, so suppose you wanted to make me as his twin brother?

Patricia wanted to make him calm, but half hour later Max entered into club with his new girlfriend. They exchanged greetings and Joseph was more mad.

So why don’t you open party for your former boyfriends? You can invite me too, because for few days i will be your ex too.

Patricia was not ready for new relation. Even worse, she wanted to change Joseph, to create new wild guy from him. It was kick on his personality. Love remains were in the air and Patricia was almost drunk from ex sparks.

It was not fair to Joseph at all, because she did not get over her past adventures. She wanted to show him her world, but he was not ready to enter there. It was no place for his personality. He was too boring, he never kicked someone’s ass and vulgar word was not part of his dictionary.

Blank zone is the worst period between two relations


We must empty our heart and soul. If you are half empty, you are in danger to interfere with dangerous ingredients. It is like mix of two drinks, salt and sugar. The best solution is isolation and abstinence. Maybe you think that new love will heal your heart from old love ? That is not true if you did not get over it by yourself. Only you can decide when is over. Breakup doesn’t mean that this love ended in your fantasies. He is still walking there, let him walk until you get tired of his ghost. 

The worst thing is to compare your present partner with ex partners, to give him reason to compete. It is not grateful to participate in this race. Fight with ghosts is unfair battle. This ghost is not guilty, and your present partner can’t blame your ex because he is not in your life anymore. You need to let him go, because he went away in previous chapter.

Impossible love choices

 

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Sparks are in the air and our heart made choice. Every romantic soul will say: “Listen the sound of your heart. Heart know the best.”

Heart is not always wise and choices made by heart are not always in harmony with logic. We can fall in love as teenagers or mature persons, but wrong choices will not avoid us. Our love path is not always the right one.

Who can be our love target?

Celebrity person. It happens to teenagers, fall in love in their idol. Throw your panties for Justin Bieber. Ask for signature of Miley Cyrus. Your heart skip a beat because of Miss universe? It happens, and the craziest fans will write letters to celebrities and try to make close with them. Jody Foster had problems with crazy fan John Hinckley Jr. who attempted assassination of Ronald Reagan because of madly love toward her. 

Married person. Woman in forties, two kids. Teenager has fantasies about her , she can be his teacher or neighbor, he fall in love and try to capture her heart. Result of this love would be disaster. 

Your relatives. What if target of your heart is your cousin? It happened to Matej. He did not see his cousin Majda because she lived in Slovenia, and he was in Croatia. She came to holidays to visit her aunt after many years. Matej fall in love and they slept together, even they know about their blood connection. That relation ended up when their family stand between them. It was shameful.

Virtual person. Yes, it happens, people connect on internet pages. Hot messages, camera appearance. Then problems are taking over. She lives in Serbia, and he lives in India. They are not rich, and how they will travel to each other , how they will make relation or marriage? Also different cultures, tradition, rules, habits. That obstacles could be too big and love will not exist after some time.

Person in jail. Convicted criminal, 20 years of prison punishment. He did criminal act, he is going to jail, will this love survive on letters or visits such a long time? Not to talk about murder or robbery he did. 

Too young person. Pedophiles are not rare cases. Cute girl from 13 years, and adult man who has 35 or 40. This child is caught in trap, even if she accept this love, she cannot have healthy thinking and she is not aware of consequences.

Love appears in many shapes. 

Choices of heart are made by lust, despair, loneliness. Heart and hormones can make big mess. Can we say about sick minded persons or it can happen to anyone? Love thunder will give different effect. You made impossible choice. It is not just that your community will not approve it , this is matter of logic. How you see life in future with your fatal love? 

There is a line between real love and fantasies. Our imagination is not limited. We can dream about Arabian prince, tough criminal man, striptease dancer or mafia boss, and enjoy in our erotic dream. This is our secret. Who should know if you make fantasies about mother of your friend or your own cousin? Or you like that little teenage girl and you are just her teacher? 

When you want real relation, things are different. Blind choice of your heart is not always clever. You will get out from your fantasy and open your eyes more wide.

Once when you are connected with your partner, fantasies are not on the first place anymore. Nobody will forbid your dreams, you can still masturbate in your room on some famous actress as Scarlett Johansson, but now you have real life.

Don’t get lost in love subway. Spooks are here to stalk you and to take your soul, but your mind is here to show you the right way.