anxiety · character · crises · happiness · illusion · lesson · lies · relations

Reality check and illusions

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People use to say: “You live in illusion. ” “You need reality check. “

What is indeed illusion?

Absence of real beliefs.

Flying on cloud instead of walking on the ground.

Too big expectations.

Impossible aims.

Reality check is cold shower, something what people need when they fly too high. There must be a difference between vision and dream. Vision is based on real expectation, but dream is based on imagination.

I wish to get marry for Brad Pitt. This is dellusional example.

I wish to buy new dress, which is too expensive for me but not impossible to buy.

Sometimes, people with manipulation skills will hold dellusional people in traps , because on this way they can feed their ego.

Woman X lives in USA. She promised man from Turkey that she will come to visit him. She delayed her arrival first for 6 months, then for a year. Then she said she will come in summer and later in winter. He is still waiting for her but she hesitates and wants to get on time. He is afraid to travel to see her so both are in ungrateful position. Their illusion is more beautiful than reality so they stick on safe ground of their dream because reality is insecure.

Did you stuck in kind of illusion?

How you deal with this?

These are consequences of life in illusion :

Awakening in tears.

Cuts of some connections which were based on dreams.

Loss of trust and confidence.

Loss of hope.

Black white insight on life.

Why people hold on their imaginary hopes, even deep inside they know it will not work out?

Well, i remember movie “The escape from Alcatraz. ” Man was painter, and he knew he will not get out from prison but he will make his life easier by drawing. When headmaster of jail took him his tools and material, he made suicide.

If you want to kill person inside, kill his dream. Kill hope that something is worth living or that some day will be better.

Reality check is not for all people, some are born to live in dreams because they don’t know how to walk on the ground. Mama’s boy will rather live with his mother than to ask woman to marry. Unemployed guy will rather sleep at home than ask for a job. Woman who is unhappy in love will rather hold on her problematic marriage or relation.

Illusions feed us, the same way as they made us damage. Who wish to get out from that poisoned circle must be aware that this is not healthy life.

I was in illusion that one friendship will last forever. Guy said me : “Life can separate you and your friend. ” He was in right, once when she gone in another city she never asked for me.

After you break illusion, there is something brighter. Empty space for someone special, for something special, but this time you wear safe glasses and you know where you will go .

anxiety · behavior · character · friendship · gossip · illusion · moral · relations

Your friend is an imitator ?

 

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Social intelligence is ability to sympathize with others, to feel their needs and to help them if you can. Selfish person is deaf on other wishes, so when you hear someone to say “What i have to do with this, this is not my concern”, you know what to expect.

This kind of ability gives you eyes wide open, and your view into world is more ample. In this case, you will be able to communicate with people from different countries and with different attitudes. It doesn’t matter is your friend gay, atheist or nigger, you love them all on equal way.

No, it doesn’t mean that you must agree with others in everything, just this time boundaries are different. So, if you feel disrespect from other side, your right is to push this person away.

Recently i saw this kind of sentence in one group at internet. Guy said: “Please add me, i need friends, i have no friends. ” This voice of despair sounds creepy, because person marked himself as loser. So the same guy started to like everyone’s post, to confirm with everything with others say, just to get their attention. Result was bad, people found him as irritating and annoying.

For sure you can remember situation from childhood, when two girls wear the same clothes, when they kiss each other in cheek and hold their hands on the street. It looks cute on first sight, but somehow artificial.

What happens when girls grow up?

One girl found boyfriend, other is still single. 

One girl move in another city.

One girl spread her circle of friends, so she is not free as before, sometimes she wish to go in cinema with other girls.

One girl became more popular.

What other girl feels?

She is abandoned.

She is angry.

She is jealous.

Other girl says : “That is not fair. We wear the same clothes, we listen the same music, we grew up together. Now she makes distance with me. But i gave her all, i always stand behind her, even when she was not so sweet and kind. ”

That is situation with copy and paste friendship. In this case, other girl lost personality. She wears the same red skirt and white blouse, but also she talks, laughs and acts on the same way as her best friend. That is point of this story, she was clone and twin, but not equal part of this friendship.

Copy paste friendships are field of risk.

If you have friend who copy your style, as in movie with Bridget Fonda, this situation is dangerous. It will turn on two ways : your friend is addicted to you because you create her or your friend hates you because she gets less attention than you.

Best friends are indeed people who are not always sweet together. They fight and argue, they have different taste and priorities, but their friendship is as chess board. Black and white, different personalities, but awesome in one mosaic. This relation is mature, because you don’t need to wear the same skirt to prove your loyalty and devotion.

anxiety · bullying · cyber space · destiny · discrimination · drama · friendship · jealousy · relations

Who watch your back?

Sometimes we can’t handle problems alone. Even the strongest person will need shoulder for cry or just a hug, as sign that everything will be better. If you are woman, you will need double dose. We are sensitive creatures and even we don’t want to admit it, sometimes we need corner for cry.

When you feel as the whole world is against you, when your life is expressed only in black color, you will need support. Our friends, sisters, brothers, parents and our beloved husbands or wives are our shelter. We expect comfort from them because they are in our hearts.

Dana came from work, exhausted and angry. She cried, not because of grief, he was angry because at her workplace was huge injustice. Her office mate is smoking and nobody wants to act against her, and Dana is choking every day in cloud of cigarette. At the end of work time they had fight and Dana almost slap her. It was very ugly scene at office, but necessary. So Dana wanted support of her husband Dylan. He talked with her, but there was no emotions in his voice. He talked about behavior at workplace, about holes in law system, and general conclusion was that life is a shit. She did not get hug or kiss. Later he turn on television and it was end of conversation. She was even more furious. She went on Skype and talked with her virtual friend Boris from Moscow. Suddenly, stranger understood all what she wanted to say. He did not use much words, but she make her laugh with some jokes. She felt close to him, more closer than to Dylan.

When we talk about our personal problems, is our beloved partner always right choice for conversation?

When you spend every day with one person, argues are unnecessary. He is also tired, exhausted, maybe unhappy. So, some stranger will have more energy to comfort you. At least, he is more objective, and if he says wrong words you will not yell at him. You can close camera to finish conversation.

What when our support is missing? When Louise lost virginity, she said about it her sister Linda. Linda had breakup with boyfriend and all what she said was :”So, big deal.” Louise was disappointed, but she tried to understand that circumstances were not good to share her secret. Even, she always remember how she could not share her first love experience with sister.

Talking about other problems will help to forget ours. I always think, if i can help someone with advice, my existence is not useless. I can’t help myself, but maybe i can help others so this is not in vain. Maybe, one day it will turn back to me for good. Of course, i will always think who is person worthy of my help. I don’t want to involve in something what is not my business or to get damage from this.

You are good support if you are objective. It is not necessary that you put your hand in fire and get burn. You can tell to person about self respect, about positive views of some situation or just to make someone smile. Just don’t feel sorry because this is an opposite effect.

Support is feeling that you can lean on someone. That person will be your right hand when you can’t anymore. She will help you to get up. But, at the end, you will deal with your problems alone. Nobody will get dirty for you.

anxiety · behavior · couples · drama · ego · egoism · flirt · happiness · relations

Why people stay in bad relations?

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When relation has broke, we ask for causers. It did not happen yesterday that something was wrong. It had happened before few years, few months or we just ignored signs. Or, did you realize that you were the only one who kept this relation alive?

 

When i hear or read some articles about women who complained that their guy treat them bad, i always wonder why did they stay in such relation. What was the reason? Love, money, fear or just a habit? Then, second question would be, why guy did not break this, when he did not love as he should love his partner?

Some phenomenon i wish to talk about are forced breakups. No, this is not breakup with gun , nobody is physically injured. This is situation where guy is passive, ignorant, but he is still there and he waits for a moment when woman will say – enough.

In this story Lidia fall in love in Patrick. They were cute couple, as she was stronger part in this relation, and he was more mama’s boy. Despite of all, they had good time together. When Lidia said that she wants breakup, all her friends were surprised. Lidia explained that Patrick never planned weekends. Patrick never bought her gift , even for her birthday, he said her to choose something in market, and he was paying bill. Lidia suggested when will they make love at first time, also her idea was that they need to live together. Patrick would say “i don’t know” and it was story of their life. One day Lidia had flu and Patrick visited his mother. Her temperature was very high so she called Patrick to drive her at emergency. Patrick said that he can’t do it this moment, cause he helps his mother with new furniture. Lidia called neighbor to help her. When she recovered, she said Patrick to pack his things and move out from her flat.

This what some women do, stay in relation where is no actions, no plans and no future.

Why guys stay in relation when they indeed don’t care for a woman?

They have safe sex with one partner.

They have safe shelter, kind of home.

They have friend and partner in the same box.

They have someone to cuddle their ego.

Now, question is, who should run first? Woman who is damaged, or man who is passive? I think many woman wait for a final event, something what would shock her. This shock effect, as betrayal, affair, disloyalty is just a milestone. So, now is enough. Now i got you. Now, we are at the end of this road.

I understand, to break with someone who doesn’t give a shit about you must be hard if you love this person. You are going against your heart. He is also not in good position, because he knows he will hurt you. Well, he hurts you all the time, so breakup is a crown. Isn’t it better to jump from the window, than to roll over the steps, as the last hero of masochism?

 

anxiety · cougar · cyber · destiny · erotica · lovers · relations · romance

Who is girl for one night?

 

On first sight one night stand looks ideal. No obligations, no promises, no tears. If both, man and woman decide about sex for one night, there is no complain later. Everyone should walk forward, without regrets.

Human heart is fragile thing and it is not always so simple. Maybe we can promise to follow the rules of this game, but shall we hold this promise after it happens? Our mind had a plan, but heart doesn’t follow that tips.

 

Here are some females reactions:

 

He did not greet me at the street.

– He did not call me, but he said he will call me.

– I saw him with another girl.

– He said that he is not ready for serious relation now.

– He said that i was just his comfort to get over ex girlfriend.

All is good when you are in the moment of passion, he kiss you like nobody before, you have so much pleasure, he whispers soft words in your ears, and you feel like his queen, like in dream. Then you woke up and fail on the ground. What a jerk, he has no feelings, he is an animal, moron and so on. But did not you deal with him? That is the worst part, when you promise something what you cannot hold on. That is in women brain, to make promises and to hope things will be different.

List of woman’s illusions:

 

1. i will be his best lover, after night with me he will leave his girlfriend

2. he just need a time for adjustment, i will wait for him

3. he has some problems and he can’t be with me now, but after he solve that problem, we will be together for a sure

4. he is too busy , i will have patience until he finds time for me

That is part of game of being easy or being hard. If someone date with you because of sex , sex will also be reason to break up when he please to his wishes. That is the point of one night stand, he will not listen your problems, because you are here to enjoy with him, not to discuss with him.

 

That is why flirts and relations are not the same. In flirt sex is the main part, but in real relations sex is one of elements. 

 

So if you accept one night stand, this is risk and you must be ready that you will never see that awesome person again. You can’t blame him or judge him because he disappeared. There were signs you did not want to see, and he was not obligated to stay. Mature women with experience will easier handle one night stand because life taught them that hot moment doesn’t mean eternal love. If girl is a virgin, and without experience it will be harder to believe that awesome guy is not prince on white horse.
He got what he wanted and he doesn’t need you anymore. You can dream about him or forget. Use it as lesson next time when someone try to repeat this adventure with you. There is golden rule : you can’t keep man who doesn’t want to be kept.

anxiety · bohemians · career · character · crises · depression · destiny · drama · relations

Do you let others to steal your dreams?

 

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Vision of life is often different than reality, because that vision is based on dreams which will not always come true. As young girl you maybe dreamed about career of famous singer, actress or dancer, but in reality you are secretary, waitress or nurse. In some period of life we stop dreaming, and that situation could lead us into black tunnel of depression.

What to do when your dreams did not realized?

Real end happens when you give up. Until you are in the game, your chances still exist.

Try with different solutions. Previous ways were wrong, so try with new refreshments.

Try with backup plan. You can’t get what you wished , but maybe you wish something similar, what is more possible to get.

Don’t make it worse, so don’t do something what you will regret later, to hurt yourself or to hurt others because things are not good.

Human wishes are curse. When people can’t get what they want, they are frustrated, desperate or even suicidal. It is not the end of the world if that woman doesn’t love you or if you were fired from job, but that affects negative at your self confidence. When you take other’s dreams, you may kill person inside. In movie “The escape from Alcatraz”, prisoner Doc was painter and this made him alive in jail. When headmaster of jail took his tools and forbid him to paint, his life was over, he made suicide.

Many of you will recognize situation when you hold on something what makes your life worth of living. This could be your wife, children, mother, job, or even just kind of hobby. Maybe you like to play piano or guitar, maybe you adore football. You can’t imagine life without these things, and if for some reason you lose your reason for life, you will think on worst.

Joseph lived in small city with mother and father. He suffered from depression and he could not find girlfriend, because of his psychological problems. Mother died from cancer, and one year later, father died from brain stroke. Joseph could not handle this pressure, he felt that he is alone at this world, even he had some friends. He made suicide by hanging, his friends found him in flat, without goodbye note. He lost parents and it was too hard kick for him, because his personality was too fragile and he needed expert help. His death was an alert. It could not happen like this.

Introvert, hypersensitive and depressive people are in black zone, and loss of dreams is big danger for them. They live in beautiful internal world, and when life take this away from them, they will decide about suicide.

I would love to say that all will end well, as in some fairy tale, but it is not always like that. Sometimes, you will not find prince, and you will work at awful job with stinky boss, even this is unfair. Even worse, you will see other people how they live life which you imagined. Someone stole your dreams , as Grinch. Now you live in nightmare.

You can change attitude and focus on good things, for sure that positive side is hidden somewhere, out of focus , where Grinch can’t reach this. There is no guarantees that things will change, but if you give up, for sure you will never catch your fantasies.

anxiety · behavior · drama · envy · erotica · flirt · jealousy · passion · psychology · rebellion

What doesn’t kill you makes you a killer

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When life starts to slap you from every side, you will survive or fall down. That is why quote says : “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. ” We could analyse why some people became ruthless, harsh or even heartless. Circumstances define you, no matter do you wish this or not. Every bad experience will leave track at your soul, and you will never be the same person as before. Rules of survival are cruel.

Elaine was girl from poor family, they had a lot of unpaid bills and once she was studying for exam with the light of candles. She had only one pair of boots and she spent many winters in them. When Elaine finished her education and got a job, her clients complaint that she is too harsh. Even her boss said : “Please, try to be warmer with people. We are here to help them.” Elaine was formal and she did her tasks accord the law. She was good lawyer, even some clients considered her as cruel. As she used to say : “I am lawyer, not a nurse or nanny. Accept this that i will not sing you lullaby, you need legal advise.”

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Life is not equal to all of us.

If person lives surrounded by attention, love and careness, it will affect on future. Painful past will mark us and even we are not aware of this, we will show our black side. People are often superficial and they will see what they wish to see. Just because someone is not always nice and kind, it doesn’t mean that he is a bad person.

What will negative experience leave to us?

Bad memories. You blow on cold if you burnt in past.

Emotional scarves. You will have problems with emotional connection.

Sarcasm. What is romantic for others, that is pathetic for you.

Alerts. Red alarm will always ring in similar situation. This red light blinks from the past.

Imagine teenage girl, in 18, how she is dancing with innocent smile on her face. Every guy would like to invite her on date. She is pure, she is not overthinking. Twenty years later she is not the same person. If life punished her with bitter experiences as bad relation, divorce or abusing, she will not smile so innocent as before. She will be full of bitterness, and if not, she will open four eyes.

What doesn’t kill you makes you a killer.

When you lost important part of your heart and soul, when someone stole your happiness, you will wish to fight back. That is what person who wish to survive do, she tries to bring back what she lost a long time ago.

anxiety · behavior · bohemians · couples · crises · egoism · erotica · relations

Get over him in silence

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There is saying that silence is gold. It prevents us from hurting and bad influences from ugly words. Also, if you know to handle things quietly, you will keep your selfrespect and dignity untouchable.

Nick and Marsha met after 2 years of their breakup. They met in the street and they could not avoid each other , so they started little chat.

– How are you?

– Fine.

– How are you?

– I am fine too.

– Anything new?

– All is normal.

This was their conversation. Then they said bye. Unspoken words and silence talked more then words they said.

Marsha remembered their wild nights and his cheating around. Nick remembered of her great body and sharp mind. She never allowed him to rule with her, and he blamed her for being too independent. “You always has right.” – it was their sentence when they started conflict, one by one.

Some relation can’t be never fixed. If you start friendship, you will see obstacle like rock in the way. If you show feelings, more careness than is usual, things will be even worse. So they chose formality and silence.

Once when couple break up, large ammount of bitterness is in the air. If you want good memories, cover them with silence. Don’t digg and don’t start over and over again. Stop this clouds until they cause big storm.

Nick and Marsha walked away with peace in their hearts. Silence sealed their relation forever.

 

When relation comes to phase that words are sufficient, we must show sign stop. Close your mouth and don’t talk more. You agreed with breakup, now don’t change your mind. It is better to think that some things are in the air, than to ask something when damage is already done. Remember person how she was in her best edition. Let his smile stay in your memories and remind you on your best days. Next time, when you will walk with new love, you will say with healthy conscience that was your ex boyfriend. No regrets, guilty or rage from your side.

Some relations are as products with deadlines. When that deadline pass, that product is not useful anymore. Even worse, it will cause pains and unwanted side effects. Silence after breakup is painless solution. Nobody gets hurt, and you can go forward released from chains.

anxiety · character · fantasy · freedom · rebellion · responsibility · society

Who are social martyrs?

Life meals are sometimes bitter. It is not that everything is sweet as milk and honey. If you raised in happy family maybe life spared you from miserable moments, but the grudge will wait you later. Humans are on this world to taste fish oil because this is indicator of their firmness. Pain and sadness are not welcome guests, but some people will represent themselves as born to be unhappy. In some sick way, they enjoy to be martyrs, because this is the way to keep attention.

Do you know someone who is big martyr? Colleague from work, mother in law, your dear friend or even wife?

Typical day of every martyr starts like this:

I must wash laundry because nobody will help me. I must cook lunch because my family will be hungry and they will yell on me. I must stay overtime at work because i will get fired if i don’t do this. I can’t watch my soap opera because my husband is watching football. I must make dinner for my guests because i owe them, last time me and husband were invited in their house. What they will think of me if i don’t invite them for return?”

 

In the eyes of martyr everything is black. Life is one big pain and martyr is stigmatized person who must do all bad jobs, because others expect this from him. Everyone must give confession to martyr, that he is the person who were walking on thorns with his first steps.

What kind of problems martyr never solves?

Martyr is person in bad relation. He knows this, but he stays there anyway.

Martyr is woman who never get marry because she is afraid to get out from status quo situation.

Martyr is person who stays at bad work until retirement because everyone feels sorry for him and this is his kind of feed for soul.

Martyr is son who lives with his mother because he is not able to find a job and pay own flat.

Martyr is mother who cook meals and wash laundry for her adult kids because they could not do it alone.

Jade is woman with health problems. She takes pills , painkillers , because her pains in back are unbearable. She doesn’t want to go to private doctor because she needs money for other things. She doesn’t talk with her sister and brother for a 10 years, because they took her big part of family inheritance. She never forgive them how they acted at court when her father died. She is not without friends and people wish to help her, but she rejects every favor, because she doesn’t want to be treated as poor woman. But, when someone ask her about her life, she used to say : ” Everyone abandoned me. I don’t have any help from people. They avoid me because i am old and poor. ”

Martyr is kind of manipulator.

How does it happens?

Martyr use 4 kind of deadly weapons:

Guilt.  

Conscience.

Condolence.

Empathy. 

If you don’t help martyr, you will feel guilty. If you feel guilty, your conscience will warn you and you will not sleep well. Then you start to feel condolence and your sense for empathy is awake.

That is how Helen did. She was old nasty widow. She had many people who were indeed her servants. One man brought her things from shopping mall every day. Other servant was woman who cooked her meals, for small money. The next was woman who was drinking whiskey with her and listened her problems, to make her company. Helen was nasty, but nobody complained, because she was old and helpless widow. That was her ticket for paradise, to be blessed as martyr. Once someone rejected to help her, and Helen said: “How can you be so cruel to old and weak lady as me? ”

When someone acts as martyr, that is lack of self-respect . Also that shows laziness and conformism. Person will lean on others even she marked others as culprits. If you live with helpless mother in law or you work with colleague who never finish his work and you must to it for him , you share life with martyr. In this case you are servant, and they are masters. Read between lines when your colleague ask you to help him with unfinished task. ” Help me, you know how to do this”, indeed means ” I don’t want to do it alone because you will do it instead of me. “

anxiety · crime · drama · prejudices · psychology · responsibility · rules

How publicity rape victim second time?

Topic about raping is always sensitive area. Partly, people will judge abuser, but victim will not stay untouched too. Some will wonder, did victim provoke attack? What she wore? Why she was drinking? How she behaved? Some will wonder about manipulation, and others will pity naive person.

This is one example how things went wrong. Place of event: city Zadar. Persons: five guys, one girl. All are young and they still going to high school.  Young girl were raped on the beach, since late evening until early morning. She was drunk and her memory was empty.  Her body was wounded and her mother reported this event another day.

The victim said she did not know all that guys, they just met at party, while she was drunk and vomit, so they offered taxi to drive her home. Instead of safe way home, she was raped.

Not all is so simple. When woman is raped, she will fight, bite, scratch man who force her for sex. That girl did not remember at all. Young guys used opportunity, when she was totally drunk to use her. New Criminal law in Croatia consider this criminal act as sex without acceptance. That means, if victim change her mind during sex, that is denial. Punishment for this criminal act is easier than for rape. Also, young guys were not convicted before, this is their first criminal act.

What happens if woman is not able to say no? 

For sure, it doesn’t mean acceptance. No matter, if woman is drunk, numb or retarded, if she is not able to say yes, if she is under pills or drugs, this is force. Young guys understood this as part of wild, sick game and they used opportunity. They were competition, who will do “work” on better way. Like in movie with Jodie Foster “The accused”. That girl was alone, unprotected, she wanted to have fun and she got horror story.

Now, she is exposed to be victim one more time. Court trials are painful, every law rule has hole, and no matter what will happen with this guys, she will be damaged to the rest of her life. It was bad fate or she was not careful?  Maybe her parents did not take care enough? Consequences are here, no matter what caused that event.

Law is here to protect us, police is here to make law rules real, parents are here to educate us, but we must think about our acts at first.

The point of this story is, nobody can take care of you enough if you don’t take care of yourself. You know your environment and places which are notorious on some way, you know that is not safe to walk alone in the middle of the night.

Nobody said that you are completely safe if you have boyfriend or if you don’t go out tonight, but by logic, chances to be in danger are smaller if you are not alone. It is like in jungle, lion will stalk fove when she walks alone in free space. After that lion will tear weak animal on pieces.

That is what that guys did, they drag this girl alone in the car. The rest was history. Consequences will stay even it supposed to be just one night for party.