Is your single status benefit or burden?

 

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If you are single, some people will pity you, others will make jokes and it depends of you how to handle this. Differences between single and taken status are visible in friend circles. Couples will have prejudices about single people, as they are always available and free for others. Single person sometimes feel as black sheep in group of couples, because in coffee bar is always free chair for someone who is not here yet.

If you are single, is this burden or benefit?
Take a look at your list of benefits.
You pay bills alone and you don’t share money with anyone.
 
You are not victim of jealousy.
 
You can go on striptease bar, beach party and football match without discussion with your better half.
 
You can flirt around without responsibility that you will hurt someone.
 
You can make mess in your bedroom and kitchen and nobody will complain that you are untidy.
 
You can listen music and watch movies accord your taste.
 
Remote control is yours.
 
 
Workplace is area where single people can’t feel comfortable because bosses will often dig into privacy of their employers. On other hand, single people will make own attitude to justify their status, and sometimes attack is the best defense.
Jenny is single, and she  compared herself with her female boss, who was in marriage. Her argument was next:
“She is constantly nervous because of her children and husband. I am happy and i smile because i have peace at my home. I don’t care for school problems, for choice of lunch or any such shit, because i can do all what i wish. “
One day Jenny and her boss had conflict. Her boss asked her to work overtime, and Jenny rejected this.
Her boss said: “What kind of reason you have not to stay? You are single, you don’t need to take children into kindergarten. “
Jenny replied: ” I also have life, more filled than yours. I am member of  book club and my friends are waiting for me. Then i go to the gym. “
Being single is a burden in some situations. 
You wish to go to wedding party but you have no escort.
 
You want to travel but you afraid to go alone.
 
You have vacation, but there is no person which you wish to spend it.
 
You are ill and nobody will visit you at hospital.
 
Married men want to have you as mistress.
 
Your friends want to pick partner for you. 
 
 
Being single is not social disgrace, but it depends about people who surrounds you. It is not pleasant when all around you are in couples, and you are alone and on the target. Imagine yourself in the middle of attention if you come to visit granny in some village, and you are over 30. “Oh honey, you are old maid. Where is your husband? Are you too picky? Are you lesbian? “
Some single people will make kick back. They will say :
I would rather be single than to have stupid wife or husband. I don’t envy you. I would not marry such person even if she is last in this Earth. “
You know the best what to do with your status. If you need space, air to breath or some time, you will enjoy as single, to collect your mind. If you are desperate for being single, don’t let others to notice that. Searching person because you are lonely is wrong reason for relation.
If you date with someone and you say something like this : ” I can’t stand my loneliness, that is killing me.”, this person will afraid and runaway. You are single and happy with yourself, and your possible partner is not your savior. He is your bonus because you can take care of yourself.
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Can you fight for your aim without help of others?

If you are one of those who know how to fit in, probably you have much friends. You have team, they stand behind your back and support you. Are you strong, powerful person? Can you say to your opponents: “Take care of me, cause my team will ruin your life. ” When ex Croatian tennis player Iva Majoli divorced from ex husband, her words were : “Beware of dark, it will swallow you.” Everyone who can count on gorillas, because of money, power or any other reasons, is not alone.

On opposite side, are you one of those who defend rights alone? 

Can you stand against crowd, lonely and without background, just with your principles behind you?

Imagine these situations:

You are in bus and radio is loud. You are the only one who complain. Yes or no?

Neighbor beats his wife. Others will not interfere, but you are the only one who will defend her. Yes or no?

You have friend at Facebook who constantly tag others. You are the only one who will remove tag. Yes or no?

Someone stand in front of you when you wait for line in restaurant. Others will be silent, will you yell on him?

Your boss makes mistake in important document. Are you the one who will warn him?

It is easy to be brave when crowd stand behind your back. You are powerful because gorilla Steve will break teeth to those who dare to touch you. Well, what if you are alone? There is quote : ” Force will break woods, but mind will rule with kingdom. ” Can you win as David against Goliath? 

Sheila was fragile girl. She was victim of bullying in high school. She did not allow to guys to touch her, so they use force and cut her part of hair. She complaint to headmaster. In this moment, she did not crying. Her face was calm and voice did not tremble. She collected her hair, and spread her palm in front of headmaster, with words: “They did this to me. ” Bullies were punished and Sheila was winner, without bullets. 

Just because you have parents, brothers, husband or friends, it doesn’t mean that they will always be with you. Some situations happen suddenly, without alert. Husband is maybe at business trip. Parents are maybe old and without power. Brother is on date with his girlfriend. And you are alone, against bullies, or against rude people who wish to hurt you, with force or words. That is situation why is important to use your character, because that is image of your real power.

I had friend teenager who was so cocky because of her popularity. She had the best clothes and the most handsome boyfriends. Well, when her own father slapped her in night club, because she did not come home at time, nobody helped her. She was weak and she cried as little baby. Nobody wanted to protect her, because it was family thing.

When you stand alone, count with this:

Don’t show fear .

Don’t change your mind.

Raise your voice. 

Don’t cry and don’t tremble.

Maybe you are fragile butterfly and gorillas might tear you, but your dignity is your weapon. If you don’t show teeth at least once, you will never go far. Courage is mother of respect, so be enough brave to gain respect of crowd.

Do you let others to steal your dreams?

 

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Vision of life is often different than reality, because that vision is based on dreams which will not always come true. As young girl you maybe dreamed about career of famous singer, actress or dancer, but in reality you are secretary, waitress or nurse. In some period of life we stop dreaming, and that situation could lead us into black tunnel of depression.

What to do when your dreams did not realized?

Real end happens when you give up. Until you are in the game, your chances still exist.

Try with different solutions. Previous ways were wrong, so try with new refreshments.

Try with backup plan. You can’t get what you wished , but maybe you wish something similar, what is more possible to get.

Don’t make it worse, so don’t do something what you will regret later, to hurt yourself or to hurt others because things are not good.

Human wishes are curse. When people can’t get what they want, they are frustrated, desperate or even suicidal. It is not the end of the world if that woman doesn’t love you or if you were fired from job, but that affects negative at your self confidence. When you take other’s dreams, you may kill person inside. In movie “The escape from Alcatraz”, prisoner Doc was painter and this made him alive in jail. When headmaster of jail took his tools and forbid him to paint, his life was over, he made suicide.

Many of you will recognize situation when you hold on something what makes your life worth of living. This could be your wife, children, mother, job, or even just kind of hobby. Maybe you like to play piano or guitar, maybe you adore football. You can’t imagine life without these things, and if for some reason you lose your reason for life, you will think on worst.

Joseph lived in small city with mother and father. He suffered from depression and he could not find girlfriend, because of his psychological problems. Mother died from cancer, and one year later, father died from brain stroke. Joseph could not handle this pressure, he felt that he is alone at this world, even he had some friends. He made suicide by hanging, his friends found him in flat, without goodbye note. He lost parents and it was too hard kick for him, because his personality was too fragile and he needed expert help. His death was an alert. It could not happen like this.

Introvert, hypersensitive and depressive people are in black zone, and loss of dreams is big danger for them. They live in beautiful internal world, and when life take this away from them, they will decide about suicide.

I would love to say that all will end well, as in some fairy tale, but it is not always like that. Sometimes, you will not find prince, and you will work at awful job with stinky boss, even this is unfair. Even worse, you will see other people how they live life which you imagined. Someone stole your dreams , as Grinch. Now you live in nightmare.

You can change attitude and focus on good things, for sure that positive side is hidden somewhere, out of focus , where Grinch can’t reach this. There is no guarantees that things will change, but if you give up, for sure you will never catch your fantasies.

Get over him in silence

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There is saying that silence is gold. It prevents us from hurting and bad influences from ugly words. Also, if you know to handle things quietly, you will keep your selfrespect and dignity untouchable.

Nick and Marsha met after 2 years of their breakup. They met in the street and they could not avoid each other , so they started little chat.

– How are you?

– Fine.

– How are you?

– I am fine too.

– Anything new?

– All is normal.

This was their conversation. Then they said bye. Unspoken words and silence talked more then words they said.

Marsha remembered their wild nights and his cheating around. Nick remembered of her great body and sharp mind. She never allowed him to rule with her, and he blamed her for being too independent. “You always has right.” – it was their sentence when they started conflict, one by one.

Some relation can’t be never fixed. If you start friendship, you will see obstacle like rock in the way. If you show feelings, more careness than is usual, things will be even worse. So they chose formality and silence.

Once when couple break up, large ammount of bitterness is in the air. If you want good memories, cover them with silence. Don’t digg and don’t start over and over again. Stop this clouds until they cause big storm.

Nick and Marsha walked away with peace in their hearts. Silence sealed their relation forever.

 

When relation comes to phase that words are sufficient, we must show sign stop. Close your mouth and don’t talk more. You agreed with breakup, now don’t change your mind. It is better to think that some things are in the air, than to ask something when damage is already done. Remember person how she was in her best edition. Let his smile stay in your memories and remind you on your best days. Next time, when you will walk with new love, you will say with healthy conscience that was your ex boyfriend. No regrets, guilty or rage from your side.

Some relations are as products with deadlines. When that deadline pass, that product is not useful anymore. Even worse, it will cause pains and unwanted side effects. Silence after breakup is painless solution. Nobody gets hurt, and you can go forward released from chains.

Are you afraid of challenges?

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Remember game with the bottle in childhood? You are sitting in circle with friends, someone spin the bottle and when this stop spinning, person who is nearest to the bottle will answer on questions. This was unpleasant situation because question were challenges. Some games went so far that picked person should kiss someone.

This was childhood trauma. Girls were playing with Barbara, she was introvert and good material for cruel jokes. They said to her, kiss the tree, otherwise we will avoid you. But Barbara was tough and she rejected to made fool of yourself. Kissing tree was worse than kiss the ugliest guy. Everybody waited but she did not move. That act made her stubborn and later she did good career, because she despise authorities.

Monica was victim of “truth or dare.” She got questions about her sex life, and in circle were some unknown guys. She talked without shame how she changed few guys in her bed, and after this game guys were looking at her with different eyes. One of them wanted to flirt with her, because she was so open minded. She was indeed naive, because her story spread around. The rule of the game was “nothing can’t go out of this circle”, but nobody respected this. She had troubles with rumors about her. Every guy who asked her for a date wanted sex.

The third girl in circle was Andrea. She was silent and old fashioned. She replied on every question in a way ” i don’t have idea, because i never went through this.” Indeed, she was boring. She lived in safe box and she stayed like these until 35. Life saved  her many troubles, but she was prisoner in golden cage. She still lives with her mother and she thinks that God has solution for her. Prince charming will ring on her doorbell and she will be awarded for her purity. Recently guy fooled her on internet. He had fake photos and when they met at coffee he was different person. He said these were photos from his youth, and she was so disappointed.

Truth or dare is life question. Shall we accept challenges or not?
If we want to taste beauty of life, we will sign invisible contract. We accept to bleed inside, to suffer, to cry. Also we will have joyful days, full of life and happiness. Never regret because sometimes you feel that you are frozen, that you can’t get out from your house because life was unfair with you. You will be wiser and stronger after you solve your problems. Also, you will be grateful, because you broke this obstacles. This is pleasure, when you get something what was so difficult to reach.

Barbara was stubborn, Monica was naive, and Andrea was coward. They faced with problems on different ways. Life gave them what they earned in this truth or dare game.

Be careful with whom you are hanging out

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A long time ago my mother told me : “Be careful with whom you are hanging out. ” She knew that my friend, who was 15 years old then, already have a boyfriend, who is 8 years older than she is. She saw them during summer holidays at river beach, how they cuddle each other without shame, in publicity. She said that she is not good company for me, because she is obviously experienced, and filthy.

Few years ago i realized my mother has spoken truth. That friendship broke, because my friend X was indeed embarrassing person, without inhibitions and indeed selfish. After all, her boyfriend wanted to touch me once, when i was very young, and i was shocked with his behavior. That man was pervert, and she did not see that. They split later, as my mother knew what will happen.

My parents never made differences between reach and poor, smart and limited, ugly or pretty people. Just, they always suggested me to care on my reputation. If you are associated with such people, they said, others will not see differences. I really realized that is true.

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When i nowadays say that i am glad i am picky about friends, i mean next:

I love to hangout with people who help me to progress. 

I like people who are loyal to me.

I like people who will not make me ashamed in publicity.

I like honest people, who will not lie to my face.

I don’t like sugar coated people.

I don’t like people who are self centered.

I don’t like people who try to copy me, my decisions, my lifestyle or anything else.

I don’t like dependable people.

What i learn, is to separate people from their actions. I saw her with her boyfriend, we were young, and he brought me in ungrateful position, because people thought that i am like her, and i was just a kid. I forgave her this, but later i saw she will do everything just for her own sake, as she did not care how i feel or what i think.

Friendship is not one side alley.  Two women are going out, one is focused to follow her ex boyfriend, will they follow him all night or they will listen what other side say?

Some people think that friends are only audience for listening, but when they need to listen, they became suddenly deaf.

Why we need to pick our friends? It doesn’t matter who is pretty, rich, poor, noble or successful. That are shallow qualities. What really matters are well intentions. When you see your friend in trouble and you think all day how to help him. When you see your friend is busy and you wait your time, not to disturb him. When your friend make you favor, and you never forget this and next time you are happy to give him feedback. When you say your honest opinion even your friend doesn’t like it, but you say because you care and you wish to be honest.

I know when i wear something, that i will ask opinion of my friend, because she will never say that something is great if it is not. She will not mock me, but she will say that i can dress something better. I know when i ask her advice about marriage, she will not make situation so beautiful, she will say how it is, very realistic. That kind of friends are rare, but possible to find.

So when my mother said : “Be careful with whom you are hanging out”, she thought about people who will not stab me into back, who will earn my trust and appreciate me.

Are we society of hypocrites?

When someone accepts you as you are, with your natural characteristics and principles, that person care about you. You don’t need to be perfect or different, all you need is just to be real you. It sounds very simple, but it is not easy to find person who will recognize real you. Life is full of situations when we will be forced to hide our real personality, at least until storm pass.

 

When we are playing roles?

At workplace.
Every workplace has own rules and if you wish to fit in, your skills will be focused how to survive. You will learn fake smile, sweet words and smarmy behavior, even that is not real you. 

When someone introduce you to his parents and relatives. 
Now, you will be an actor. Can you tell to mother of your boyfriend that you changed guys as socks before you met her son? No, you can’t , so you will be innocent, kind flower who discovered life in the moment when you met him. 

In politician groups and circles. You want to be candidate on next elections? You wish that people vote for you? If you are hasty, aggressive and troublemaker, people will not trust you. But, why to tell the truth? Now you wear nice business suit so you can act role of gentleman.

At funerals.

Sometimes you will not be sad because someone died. Especially if that is your boss or mother in law, you will feel relief if they made your life bitter. What you will do? Cry and wipe fake tears, make sad face and give condolence to their families.

At business meetings.

Now you are pretending that you are listening, that you are so fascinated with some ideas or projects. In fact, you can’t wait, when this will be finished? You will not say that you get bored. You will say that it was so useful meeting and then is time to ask questions, to show interest. 

Some situations are appropriate for playing roles. That is not hypocrisy, that is just survival. Your mask will protect your interest, but also on that way you are protecting others, you are not embarrassing them, and all are happy.

If you need to pretend in your free time, that is problem. You have special person in your life and she doesn’t like real you? Now you can’t reveal your real face, that mask will be with you forever. Maybe you need to die inside, for the sake of your partner.

Problem in human nature is in expectations. It is nice to see happy and kind face , but truth is somewhere else. We can adopt some patterns of behavior for some occasions, but we are not robots, and this schedule will have failures.

The key of happiness is in acceptance of others imperfections. Our kindness has limits, as our patience. Every person knows when is time to show real, naked truth, and when is time to hide this bomb. If we don’t have understanding, this bomb will explode in unexpected moment. Then everybody could ask, who are you and how they did not see this before. That hypocrisy was on their way, but they skipped over it.