When Paula had 13th birthday, she went at school with concern. Some guys in her class did not like her, and teacher had no understanding for her problems. She was victim of bullying and all what she could do is to wait 2 years until she finish elementary school. Then she will not see that flock anymore. Her doubts were true, so when guys found out about birthday, they start to provoke her. When she replied in the same ugly way, they start to beat her with fists and she was crying. Guys were enough wise not to leave big wounds, only few scratches. Nobody in class wanted to involve, they stayed away. It was her worst birthday, she went home humiliated. Her mother was in school another day, and teacher said that is normal situation between children in this period. She asked her mother also why Paula’s hands are shaking, that she should feel safe between her friends in classroom and that she is too shy.
As adult woman, Paula doesn’t trust to men. She thinks in two directions: men wants to use her for sex or they want to hurt her. This perception comes out from school days, because every time she meets man, voices in her head scream to alert. She had many sexual adventures, because she thinks she deserve to be humiliated. As consequences of bullying, victims could be promiscuous or totally closed for sex experiences. Paula was promiscuous woman.
Bullying is as an octopus.
It grows on all sides, and it develops in many phases.
Other students start to tease victim.
When victim answers on violence, it become worse.
Little jokes can turn into aggression, with physical wounds and scarves.
In the case of silence, bullying will continue because there is no authorities to stand on its way.
Once when it finish, consequences will stay. Victim of bullying will have distorted perception about people.
In american movie “Bully”, based on true event in year 1993, guy was violent student Bobby Kent who did aggression to his friends and girlfriend, he took power to rape, beat and abuse everyone on his way. This damaged group of kids made deal to hire hitman and they killed Bobby together. Main killer, Marty Puccio Jr. got death penalty, which was later turn into life prison, without possibility of abolition. The others finished in jail with different punishments.
It is better to stop and prevent, than to deal with terrible damage later.
Why this happens and why some children are victims, and others are bullies?
Profile of victim:
– different than others, usually introvert
– person with poor social status or with some physical disadvantages
– someone who is talented or geek
– person who avoid big groups and usually read lot of books
– someone with unusual ideas, outsider
Profile of bully:
– violent person
– control freak
– person with good financial status
– person who is popular at school
This things are happening everywhere. In ex Yugoslavia, schools did not have even psychologists. It was wasting of time to talk with immature children about violence, and headmaster was main boss, to solve mess in school. When some wild child created mess, it was enough to slap him, and things were finished. Nowadays, bullying became worse, because here are social networks, cell phones and these are dangerous tools to ruin someone’s life. One photo with teenage girl in bra is enough to ruin her life.
As long are people on this Earth, here will be jealousy, envy and hate. Hate starts in childhood and develops in high school. Bullying is the worst follower of hate. Cut this roots.
Words can’t kill you, but their effect could be suicidal. You don’t believe this? Little girl from north-western Croatia, small city Lobor, 15 year old, was found dead after threats and insults at her internet profile. One of her “friends” wrote under photo : “You are ugly, you better to kill yourself.” Reason of this insults was fatal guy, so group of girls notified her about possible revenge, because she stole guy who was already taken. She disappeared at first and her body was founded after, under suspicion that she committed suicide.
In Italy, girl in same ages made suicide because her photo was published at facebook page. In this photo she was vomit in toilet , after party where she was drunk.
In Bosnia, guy published porno video with his ex girlfriend, where they made love. Girl reported him and he got punishment about 3 years of jail.
This cases made one question: How much strong is human character?
How much we can handle, when pressure on our nerves system is too high? What to do when everyone turns against us, even when our “sins” are published at internet?
I can tell about my experience, about message i got in my inbox, when i denied friend request. Guy wrote: “Bitch, who do you think you are? Fuck your mother. Bitchhhhhhhh. “
For sure, this is not pleasant when someone is threating you public. If you read between lines, you will realize that person who insults you without reason in fact talk about himself. This message talks about his education, character and maturity. He can’t handle rejection and he doesn’t approve other choices. Maybe his parents are divorced or he never had parents. For sure, he is single and he had no luck with women.
Social networks are kind of prison, where only the strongest survive. People associate in gangs to fight together or to hang someone in public. If you stand on someone’s feet, you can expect everything. Sensitive and young people will often fail in this test, because they spend hours and hours at internet and it takes them personaly. For some people, it is the same as whole neighborhood made conspiracy against them.
What to recommend to their parents , teachers or any person who care about possible victims?
See how much time this person spend on internet. Take her on fresh air, in cinema, anywhere to relax and rest her mind.
Tell her don’t take this personaly, because some people are frustrated and jealous.
This person must surround herself with people who love her, to raise her selfconfidence.
She must ignore or reply on higher level. Virtual bullies are the most unhappy when they see that victim is on higher level.
Smile and show happiness, because positive attitude is as cold shower for abusers.
Nobody will shot at you behind camera, you are safe if you don’t meet with person alive. Just, some people will try to kill you slow, with cold weapon. Look around yourself, on which way you lived before, did you need keyboard to be happy? Is it important because avatar insults you? How much damage can do ugly disclaimer to your personality?
When you let abusers to drag you into their dirty circle, you make damage to yourself. Social networks have rules , but people must protect themselves at first. Internet is not battle field, you can’t return boyfriend who doesn’t want you anymore but you can embarrass yourself. You can’t get magic stick to make your life better but you can learn how to survive and focus on things which are really important, far away from ecran and keyboard.
Internet should be a place for gathering people in a way that they respect each other, exchange ideas and not disturb. Unfortunately, progress of technology made all lunatic of this world to came out, as worms after rain.
I believe that many people faced it with kind of maniacs and stalkers on different ways and that it was unpleasant experience. I know persons who deleted profiles and never appear at social networks again because of this kind of trauma. Also there is possibility of hacking which is more harmful. Not all social networks are safe, some are made for earnings, not to protect their members. Despite of rules, wise stalker will always find a way to enter and annoy particular target.
At least, we must protect ourselves from intruders.
There is a pattern, as alarm , how to recognize virtual stalker.
1. the same minute you add person, he/she wants to talk private with you
2. that person likes all your photos and posts, immediately appear in every corner of your page
3. when you are busy, stalker asks what happened why you are not here
4. if you try to explain that you are not available or not in the mood for chat, person says that you are rude or pretentious
5. when you try to break connection, stalker starts to threat or blackmail
6. person try to contact you with another fake pages if you delete him/her
In the past, lunatic and stalkers were in mental hospitals, nowadays they use internet to approach. That is why we all must use logic and common sense, to avoid that kind of associating. If stalker is already on our pages, we must get out from that connection with all possible buttons and tools.
Indeed, next step could be meeting alive, and there options delete and block cannot help. You will stand face to face with freak or maniac.
Women are known as gentle, fragile creatures and this soft perception about us is a kind of standard. If you talk too much, cry on romantic movies, if you spend hours in shopping, simply you are a woman.
In relation, woman represents gentle side. If man beats his woman, he is violent and woman can report him for abusing. Law will protect women and female groups will brag about maniacs.
What happens if woman beats his partner? Mostly, men will be ashamed of that fact. Come on, woman beats me, she hit me with fist, she slaps me? That is not a woman, she is a beast. Should rules change and in this case, man must treat woman as strong gender, not as fragile flower?
If your woman is as princess Xena, things are not so funny. Megan Velter is a former soldier. She thought that her boyfriend is cheating her, so she decided to punish him on old fashioned way, with fists. What is more interesting, she called operator and told him that her boyfriend is professional fighter and that he beat her. She made herself as victim and used stereotypes about soft ladies.
Stereotypes protect us when we are in such kind of troubles.
It is easier to believe women tears, than to injured man. Women are not violent by their nature. Woman can pretend that she is raped and to prove this, she will rip her clothes as she is attacked. Naive people will think that really happened. “Omg, who can do this to such soft lady? Some maniacs. ” Few tears, innocent and sad eyes and nobody will blame baby face for crime. She was abused, bullied by violent men, because only men can do this – that are prejudices about violence.
These stereotypes have roots in fairy tales.
Princess was gentle woman with golden hair, and prince was hero. He would smash heads of other men to protect his lady. She was not soldier or wrestler. This is so masculine, how can woman fight?
Sometimes, roles are changed. Safe house is not only shelter for attacked women who are victims of family violence. Some men also needs shelter from their women, in a case that they fall in love in soldier lady.
When you have choice, you can pick what you wish because your hands are free and you are not influenced by others. You choose accord your principles and beliefs. That is very easy, because you know what is the best for you. What happens when you need to accept other choices, even you don’t like them? This question is measure of your tolerance.
Every time when we meet new person, we are introduced with her personality. That person comes with package. That means, you will not accept in your life only beautiful girl with sweet smile. You will accept her beliefs together with her. You may not like her parents, relatives or friends. Also, you will be terrified with her political beliefs. You could be an atheist, and she is religious. You have different musical taste and enjoy in pop music, and she wants to go in opera to listen Chopin or Verdi. Differences will cause conflicts, and reactions will be various.
How to represent your choices in publicity?
Don’t push your beliefs forward others, don’t try to persuade them that you are right.
Never humiliate or underestimate your friend or partner, because they think different.
Don’t create conspiracy against others because they don’t support your beliefs.
Don’t use insults and don’t play dirty. Low kicks are just proof how far you can go in manifestation of your ego.
These days actual situation in internet is discussion about football. Mexico win in football match against Croatia and also i have some Mexican friends. I understand their happiness and i accept them as long they are nice with me. Everybody has right to celebrate their country and their culture and there is no doubt in this. Mature people will not follow negative emotions to show others that they are right.
Stand on ball and think about how your reactions talk about you, more than about subject you wish to talk.
When kids are fighting, they will cry, yell or insult each other without limits, because they are kids. First level of maturity begins with acceptance of other choices. It doesn’t mean that you must follow majority and join to the crowd, as sheep in herd. That means diplomatic skills.
What happens when you fight against wall and you wish to promote your beliefs as general rules?
You will lose affection of your friends.
You may got nickname as dictator.
People will consider you as closed minded person, primitive or egomaniac.
Sarah was leader of international department in one firm. She could not stand that her employees are getting late, so she was punishing them for every minute when they did not come at time. She did not accept any apology from them, even if some women had children and they had obligation to go in kindergarten before work. Soon they made jokes from this and ordered Swiss watch for her birthday. Sarah was furious and next step was threat in email. She said that her employees must answer on every phone call otherwise they will get smaller salary. People asked her what will happen with that missed calls during their pause for smoking and toilet. Sarah lost her power for few months because she could not handle pressure. She could not accept that other people also have right on their opinion and their choices, even they were under her position at work.
If ego stands on your way, you may lose some interesting friendships, opportunities for love and chances for good job. Your best friend is liberal? Your nephew is gay? Can you accept this with tolerance?
If you can’t accept it now, you may meet with this in future. You are conservative, but your son and daughter could be liberal. Imagine Cher, her daughter changed gender. It was not easy, but as mother she accepted her decision.
Your choices could change with time. Maybe you were rebellious in youth, and now you follow different rules. That will help you to accept other preferences, because you know advantages and failures of both sides. One thing is sure, if you accept person only because she thinks the same as you, in first conflict your friendship will break on pieces.
Our choices define us and our relations with others. If you think that only you have right all the time, discussion has no sense.
At the end, your choice is your echo. What you choose it will come to you as reflection in the mirror. Don’t act as policeman with warrant :”You have right to be silent, and if you say something, we can use it against you.”
Even bad original is better than excellent copy. If we are just blank print of someone else, we lose our identity.
Look at for example Marilyn Monroe. She had and she has million copies. Girls now days try to copy her, her style, her makeup, her clothes. Indeed when i look at some folk singers to copy Marilyn style, it looks so cheap and superficial. Marilyn would turn around in her grave to see such trash .
When we are teenagers, we search and explore our style, our ideas, our views. And some people are good role models, but we are not them. It is possible to write crime stories, but Agatha Christie is one and nobody can’t replace Lady of death. It is better to develop own style than to copy other style on bad way.
Imagine reconstruction of Leonardo Da Vinci picture, that you put cheap jewel around Mona Lisa neck. That would be shameful. The same thing is with some movie remakes or evergreen songs. Leave it untouchable.
The worst kind of copies are people who pretend to be someone else. Imagine teenage girl Amanda fall in love in that cool guy Andrew. Unfortunately he had cool girlfriend Sandy, she was wearing short skirt, smoking and drinking and ride motorcycle. Poor Amanda wanted to be as Sandy, she wore short skirt even her legs are fatty, she try to smoke even she was choking. Finally, as top of disaster she ride motorcycle and caused accident on the road. All she did for affection of some guy who did not know that she is even exist.
Who loves you, also love your personality made by you. If guy compares you with his mother, sister or his ex, then he is not worthy of your love. If he cannot accept your habits and attitudes, it is time to let him go. Do not change yourself because you are not a clone. You can’t be a program, to change or update your settings for a new user to be available and appropriate.
To be yourself sometimes needs a lot of courage. How will others accept us? Will they judge us or will they laugh? Mostly, bullying happens when kids are unable to accept differences. In this case abused kid rather change his views then to lose friends. Fear from loneliness and rejection will drown many personalities. Many will not develop guts just because of fact that people will not love them.
You are copy paste type if:
You buy skirt which is in trend, when your friend bought this.
You use slang language because your friends are doing this.
You start to listen music you never listened before, because that is in trend.
You start to live with pet, because that is popular.
You will insult someone on the street because this is cool and it will increase your rating in some circles.
Original is something you will have forever. If you are copy and paste, next time you will get request to be something else again because this version is getting old. So be a lady for Steve, be slut for Jack, be cool underground girl for Martin. You will get lost by not knowing who are you indeed. If someone will laugh to your role model, it means they will laugh to you too. Is it worthy to sell your identity just for little attention?
You know the feeling when you enter into night club with your best friend, and everybody are looking at her. Guys are racing to get her drink, even waiter is confused and she has million dance partners. You are somewhere in the background, waiting for pieces of her star dust.
Some people are born to be on the top. It is natural gift, some persons will always gain more attentions, more people will follow them, because simply they are leaders and charismatic. Like Martin Luther King said: “I have a dream.” The same worlds will sound different in his mouth, and different in the mouth of your neighbor Steve.
It is interesting how that privileged people act when they found out about their power. Will they abuse their power, will they laugh to others and use crowd for their purpose?
I had a beautiful friend. Guys were all the time around her when she was 21, and i had no chance in her presence. She was sexy, and i was just sweet. She had provocative clothes, and i had only long skirts and blouses, i was like innocent girl . Someone could compare us with Cinderella and Poison Ivy. Every guy i fall in love became her boyfriend. She was pity me, and still that was not enough, so she wanted my friendship that i can listen her impressions about everything. She used to go on some party and never invited me, but other day she would call me to tell me how was there. Always the same stories, how guys were annoyed her, how she is unhappy because of her fatal beauty. Indeed that already became sick and i started to avoid her.
After ten years we met recently at the street. She was with her husband. When he started to speak, i noticed he has feminine voice. I almost started to laugh, wow, after all this guys, she got some kind of gay idol for husband? When i looked at her, she was so skinny, she lost her sexy shape. Indeed now she was average girl, even her nose looked to big because of her care worn face. Bags under her eyes and first wrinkles completed my picture. I was shocked, where her beauty disappeared?
Yes, it is not nice to be in the shadow. You don’t live your life. You are slave of your insecurity and you are afraid that you will lose everything because your best friend is kind of Mida, person who will convert everything in gold. She is invited in all important events, and you must beg people for attention.
What are your chances?
Create your circle of friends.
You need original style, your mark, don’t try to copy her or him.
Find area in which you are the best. You are winner in swimming, handball, writing, dancing for example, so show your skills.
Look at in the mirror. You have something to offer to. She has good legs, but your face is prettier. Your breasts are bigger. Show that with big boobs or good makeup.
If you notice that your friend want to push you out from everywhere, break this friendship. You are not a slave.
Beauty is not everlasting. Some people will look even better when they are getting older. Sylvester Stallone was ugly kid, but later he became sex symbol. Other will look good until they are young, but later beauty can fade. Some faces can’t resist to ages and this is visible.
Until you are in the backstage, think about how you will be on the stage. Wheel of fortune is spinning around, up and down, and this is changing. You can be on the top very soon.
Let’s assume that is good to know answers on all questions. If you are living encyclopedia, you are useful to everybody. They will not remember and you will remind them, what is the name of movie which made them cry, song when they get drunk for a first time or who was neighbor who lived in your street before ten years.
Sometimes, it’s better to be silent. If they already call you smart ass, you are not favourite one. It sounds irritating, you know everything.
Jim was one of that kind. Every time in class his hand is in the air, he knows history better than teacher and he is local Einstein. He is member of MENSA and he is proud of that. His classmates don’t like him, he is pain in the ass. Not because he is smart, it’s because he is a pest. Everybody should be happy to see hole in his knowledge, at least something to make him less perfect.
So one day Jim fall in love in Mabel. She was sweet little girl , few years younger than him and they start to dating. They were good couple, and first she was proud because her boyfriend knows everything. One day she went grumpy at birthday, so her friends asked her for a reason.
– He is so bad lover. He can’t excite me at all. Not to mention orgasms, it will not happen with him. He knows everything about space, but woman body is enigma for him. That is tragedy.
This confession spreads around because Mabel’s friends could not keep a secret. Jim became subject of jokes. The top of party was on his birthday, when classmates bought him a gift. He opened box and there was book with title : “How to deal with impotency?” Jim was blushing. He was sad and angry in the same time, especially when someone said : “For sure he will find answer on this question too, or he will deal with his little friend. “
Which is familiar behavior for nerds?
He is full of self confidence, because he knows everything.
He will run for attention, his knowledge should not be unnoticed.
He is talking too much.
He is angry if anyone correct them.
He is participant in every discussion.
He is meticulous.
Dork from classroom, your boring neighbor, boss at work, they are all nerds. When your boss shows disdain on everything what you did, he is not so clever. He is just smart ass and his position made him higher than God.
Imagine pushy woman who pretend to knows everything, that is not so sexy. Sometimes, silent woman with smile at face is mysterious seductress. She maybe knows more than girl with glasses who is barking all the time. For sure, men are allergic on women who talks like open radio, without pause. They wish to find their turn off buttons.
Really smart person will know when to shut up and when to talk. Also that person will not interrupt others while they are talking. Nerd is positive person if brain is in the background. If not, you have to deal with an ass.
Feelings of anger, rage and wrath are united in one strong emotion : hate. So when you hate someone, you wish all the worst for that person. You imagine all possible ways which could hurt her. In the same moment, you spend large amounts of your own energy and waste precious time. Hate is double emotion, because even when you hurt other person, you will hurt yourself.
Did you ever feel that someone hates you without reason? Even when you wanted to be friendly with that person, she or he will still hate you.
Background for hate is based on next elements:
Envy. This person has something or someone what you wish for. That person stole your happiness, accord your opinion.
Jealousy. You think that person doesn’t deserve happiness, so you mark this rival as your target.
Frustrations. You are loser, and she is winner. You blame her for own failures.
Revenge. That person hurt you or did the same to someone who is close to you.
Once when you allow that hate rule over you, you fall into own trap. Your mission is now to destroy your target, she must be wiped from the Earth. I hate so much this girl, she stole my boyfriend. I hate this guy, he got job which i wanted so much. This man beat me in tennis. I hate this jerk. When people think about hate, they forgot one important thing, that they ruin internal peace. I am not peaceful person, i am quite hot temper, but i faced with situations which ruined my peace and i learnt from this. That people were not worthy to spoil my day, weekend or even whole month of my life. That is so called self destruction.
Gloria and Clark were in relation for a 3 years. She loved him, and he was not faithful. Gloria spent much energy to cut off all his connections with other girls. She had so much awesome plans and she ruined competition very successfully. Every girl had weak spot, so Gloria explored them, as they are kind of aliens. Gloria set trap for her rivals, so one of them had jealous ex boyfriend, other girl had successful work and Gloria ruined her reputation, and the biggest success was last girl, which made sexy photos for Clark. Gloria took his cell phone and published photos at social network. She was proud on herself, wow, how she cleaned them, as rats. One day, Clark said to Gloria that he can’t stand her intrigues and scenes anymore. As he said, he doesn’t love her, even he tried, and also, she is creature full of hate. Gloria cried and Clark was next target, now she hated him so much, she wanted to make him suffer. Her best friend, Marie, gave her advice: “Let it go dear, he is not worthy even to clean your shoes. Besides, if you are obsessed with him, you will miss many other guys. ” After some time, Gloria realized that Marie has right. She felt like big burden suddenly vanished. She was smiling, she met some interesting men, and she forgot about Clark. She was so busy with her new life, and it was not place for hate anymore.
When people hate you, they are indeed victims of own emptiness.
It affects on many life areas. Haters need much energy.
You will feel emptiness.
Also, you will feel bitterness, especially if your negative emotions don’t work as you imagined.
If subject of your hate is happy, you will feel pain.
Your hate will progress, so you will hate other people connected with your target. If your friend is friend with hateful person, you will hate your friend.
One day, you will realize that you forgot to smile and that you missed something important, because you spent time in hate. Maybe is your mother’s birthday, but you don’t remember because today hateful woman will celebrate anniversary with your ex husband.
Hate is as train without direction. This train will go in unknown railway, until it stops. You have choice to stop black train, until it cross over you.