Once my hairdresser asked me: “Do you have boyfriend?” I said yes, and she said with deep sigh: “Thanks God, because if you never had boyfriend, it would not be all right with your sanity. “
That provincial judgment made me smile, cause relation is not guarantee for happiness, neither is loneliness sign of misery. Do you know how is to feel alone in marriage or in relation?
At first sight, everything is nice because you pleased social conventions. Formally, you are not alone and you are worthy accord standards, because you have someone. If you look at this deeper, you will find many things under shinny surface, which are not so fairy .
In romantic movies two people met each other, make love and got married. Then they get children, have little conflicts because of breakfast, dog or furniture, make peace and live together forever. In real life such story has no logic. Relations are hard and marriage is hard, especially if two people are not in collaboration.
Logic question for any unhappy person in marriage would be: “Why don’t you leave him or her?” There are many reasons, including financial, why is that not possible over night. It takes time, nerves, money and it leaves pieces of broken heart, damaged trust and dead hope.
Well, how is to feel alone in relation?
You make plans, and partner is silent.
You have problems at work and want to talk about this, your partner is ignorant.
You came home from work and want to make love, your partner is sleeping because he is tired.
You want to watch movie together, but your partner has no energy and will to comment with you.
Did you ever feel that you want to escape from reality and wake up somewhere else, where you will not see grumpy face and dead shine in eyes of your ignorant partner, where he will not blame you for his frustrations and where some dark stranger will hug you to forget everything?
In the movie “Purple rose of Cairo” Mia Farrow got lost in her dreams and she enter into movie screen to be together with her favorite actor. Later she realize that imaginary world is not hers, that is even worse than reality. Just, she learnt to grab courage, and she is leaving her nasty boyfriend who can’t do even small house work without her help.
The point of one sided relation is lack of courage. You live with parasite who suck your blood and you feel sorry for him but he will not say thanks for this.
Don’t feel alone in relation when you can be alone single. I had relation where i was alone. Guy called me every third day, his phone was busy when i needed him and i did not know am i in relation with him still because he never said that he will break up with me.
That is how syndrome “alone in relation” works out. That is sneaky cancer which attack your soul, bite you inside until it grabs your heart and make pieces of it.
If you are single, some people will pity you, others will make jokes and it depends of you how to handle this. Differences between single and taken status are visible in friend circles. Couples will have prejudices about single people, as they are always available and free for others. Single person sometimes feel as black sheep in group of couples, because in coffee bar is always free chair for someone who is not here yet.
Truth is naked, and lies are well dressed. Do we always want to hear naked truth, without imagination, just straight into face?
There are so called white lies, sweet ways to avoid truth or to make truth more beautiful, with some updates.
Men and women use different lies. When we start to know special person, we want to expose ourselves in best edition.
Men wish to expose themselves as brave heroes, rich entrepreneurs or candidate for stable relation, so they add some stories to their CV.
Men will say:
1. i have fast car
2. i have well paid job and good education from university
3. i was with many women, all were crazy for me, but you are special
4. i travel around world
5. i have very good business connection, my boss indeed eat from my hands
6. i broke teeth of some bad guys
What is the truth?
1. i stuck between credits for my car and house, i will be without money soon
2. i hate my job but i need it to survive
3. i am looser because all my ex broke up with me, or i don’t have much experience in love, i am virgin, i had only 2 women in my life etc.
4. i was never outside of my country
5. really i am intruder and nobody at my work don’t even notice me
6. i runaway from hooligans
So, if you had first date, what would you prefer? To know naked truth about guy who is indeed looser, or sweet lies ? That guy must have good insurance that you will wish to see him again.
Well he lies about his car, about his salary, maybe even about size of his penis and his skills in bed. But maybe you will found out that he is creative and able to deal with every situation, so it will be your challenge. On other hand, guy who represent himself as looser will be denied on first step. Imagine you met guy who says :”I live with my mother , she is retired and paralyzed and she gives me money for survival, i had no sexual experience during 3 years, and i am dying to see you again.”
Nobody likes despair, so it will be turn off. Real truth is somewhere in the middle. We women are asking for potential, ambitious guy who will show courage to deal with hard reality. Even we can forgive him lies later if he is able to change his present life.
Women like to represent themselves as pure so they will lie about number of sex partners. Also they will lie about ages, natural look and relations.
How women say lies?
1. i had sex only with one guy
2. i am 20 or 25 year old (in fact 30-40)
3. my color of hair is natural
4. i don’t use much makeup
5. lies about weight and height are also on the top, high heels and belly belt will do good deception , so woman can look slimmer or taller
6. i rejected many guys cause i am picky
What is the truth?
1. i slept with few guys before you
2. i am not so young
3. my hairdresser is responsible for my styling
4. i will not get out from house without lipstick
5. i was on many diets
6. there is a long time since someone invited me at date
Women will lie with clothes, makeup, even with tears. What would guys prefer? To see woman without makeup on first date, without fancy clothes, and that she admit to him her sexual experience? “Yes, i slept with two best friends, i had few one night stands, but that is a life.”
Men doesn’t want to get rid of his vision about innocent women so fast. They want sleeping beauty from fairy tales, and later she can expose her real truth.
So, yes, truth is honest , but lies are here to protect us – at least at the beginning.
The oldest and the most dangerous weapon in human nature is not anger, rage or wrath. That is ability of manipulation.
We can see results of manipulation on every corner.
Also i know woman who educates adult son , an invalid in chair, and she ask for a money around, that she can buy packet of cigarettes.
2. ex partner – when relation or marriage is over, still all cards are not on the desk. What is left to disappointed person is manipulation. He/she can say “i will make suicide”, “because of you i need to visit shrink” or similar explanations. And of course, you will be concerned. What if that is true? And you will take care for ex partner and you will spend more and more time to make your conscience calm, because you are guilty. On this way your present partner can take a lot of pain, especially if you have kids and they need your attention.
3. people at work – there is a syndrome of hot potato. Person who will avoid work will act like with hot potatoes, hit them to others. So there will be lot of excuses. “i am sick, i can’t work, i have sick mother i must take care of her, my child had flu”. Other people will work for such person because of compassion, feeling of duty, and that person has control over them.
4. cruel boss – some people rule with fear. He/she can threat to their employers with smaller salaries and other penalties. And they will afraid not to lose job because they have bad financial situation.
5. sexy mistress – sex is very powerful weapon. Man who has no much pleasure at home, can take it on other place. So sexy secretary, sexy nurse with stockings and high heels, who would resist?
Manipulation is as fatal woman. Beautiful outside and dangerous inside. Manipulation can seduce every mind, it is just necessary to discover weak spot. Once when your weak spot shows up, you are next victim of manipulation.
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This book is divided on three problems:
Women who think that some men are out of their league.
Women who are desperate for being single.
Women who think that persistence in searching men is a value.
Seducing is not just outside work on hairstyle, makeup and suitable clothes. Seducing start with mind and control of desires. Why to put all cards on the table immediately if you saved ace in the sleeve? How to seduce guy on internet?
Answer on all questions are in the book.
Do you know legendary sentence “I love you , but love is not enough?” This is the point of every unhappy love story, starting from Romeo and Juliet until nowadays. As much we wish to believe that heart can hold gentle construction of love story , we must keep our mind on the ground.
What happened with your past love stories? Can you say that you did not love enough your ex boyfriends or that they did not love you enough to stay together? No, that is not the reason why you are today with someone else. If we could measure our love beats, we would stay with each of our lovers until nowadays.
The background is something different. You might not stay with love of your life, but you will stay with man who is the most resistant and persistent partner. You will stay with the one who supports you in your craziness, handle patiently your failures and criticize you even he knows you will throw bricks at him. Maybe your ex boyfriend was too weak or too nervous to deal with you and he found easier way with another woman. Maybe you were too much for him, but it doesn’t mean that he did not love you.
What are the most often reasons, why love is not enough ?
Imagine that you bake cookies and you have all ingredients, but you forgot sugar. You have cream, oil, milk, flavor, even fruit, but you can’t find sugar.
This is kind of sugar in this story, why feelings of love are not enough to keep love alive:
You are too far from each other.
He is from another city or even another country. Time could break your relation .
You are too old or too young for him.
Differences in generations could break relation. If you are woman 10 or 15 years older. If you are man much older than your love.
Lack of money.
No, i don’t talk as gold digger or material girl. If you have partner who reject to earn money and just sit at home waiting for you to buy him beer, you are in troubles.
Your partner is cheater or womanizer.
You think you can change him? Go ahead and hold pieces of your heart together.
He is an addict.
Addiction of alcohol, drugs, medications, gambling are dangerous vices. If you stay without money, in debts or embarrassed in public, love will not be enough.
I am not saying that obstacles are invincible. I wish to say, it is not enough if you only love your partner. You must be strong, stable, firm and ready to lose him in every moment. You must be ready to stay alone. This is your sugar ingredient which misses in your cake. If you have substitute for this sugar, if you pretend that you did not notice your empty spot in this relation, if you forgive all failures to your partner, this cake will leave bitter taste in your mouth.
Poor Romeo, if he only had enough patience to wait Julliet to wake up. If Rose from Titanic had more logic to hold Jack in this small board, maybe both would drown or survive, but she would not stay with guilt of conscience alone. Poor Othello, if he would only take a breath before strangling Desdemona, he would realize that he did not have reason for his jealousy.
This is only because love was not enough to hold relation alive.