A friend in need is a friend indeed

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When you are sad and blue, everything looks hopeless. It is not pleasant to see how your dreams failed, how your love rejected you or you lost job. Feeling like loser, this is the last what anyone needs.

Sadness is part of life. It depends how we react on this. Your pride is on the floor, you need comfort but not everyone is suitable to make you comfort.

In the period of sadness you will reveal your real friends. Those are not necessary people who hug you or cry with you. Sometimes, person who looks cold and sounds rude is your best friend, but you are not able to see this , because you are too sad.

Before 13 years i broke with boyfriend. I had a friend who was my support, but somehow after conversation with her i felt like last loser on this Earth. She said to me this : “Years are passing by, and it is less and less time and opportunities. You will hardly find someone, because in this city all good are taken already. “

Suddenly, i stop being sad. That feeling of sadness vanished, i felt anger. My anger became so strong that i was furious. I felt flame of rage and i wanted to strangle her. Few years after, i was again in relation, but i was not friend with her anymore. Maybe she did not think bad, but she sounded so bad as it is my funeral. For sure, she could make speech for funerals and earn money on this.

Today i see one my friend sad and i am thinking how to help her. Would i show her bottom of sadness and losing pride? No, i don’t want this.

So i choose few strategies how to help people in sadness, even if you don’t know them well.

Don’t pity them. Don’t say pathetic things, it might make situation worse.

Don’t preach them. Nobody wants requiem when situation is tough.

Don’t say them corny things , as “life is going on” or “time heals all wounds”.

Don’t use their sad story to ask favors from them. “I know is tough, but can you do me some favor..or borrow me money?”

Don’t avoid their company, they need you the most now.

Don’t make their problems less important. Everyone has different boiling point.

The basic rule in every sad situation is to make person feel alive . If you show to people bright side of life, if you show them that they are important and dear to you, if you make them smile even in moment when they are angry, it will help.

One thing i know for sure. People will remember how you treat them when they felt like shit. They will remember who turned them back and who gave them hand. This is the point of friendship, that you will not escape like rat from sinking ship, you will stay even on Titanic, because this is your friend.

 

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What if your friend makes you ashamed ?

 

This guy will firmly shake your hand. He is here when you are in trouble or when you wish to celebrate, you can count on him in all fields of life. Real friends are miracle because they will be here when you break up your relation, when you get divorce or if you have financial debts. As much real friend makes your life easier, fake friend will get troubles into it.

The beauty of friendship is in avoiding all differences. People with different statuses, from another cultures, religions and races are the best friends, there are many examples where nothing of that can’t separate people to associate together.

Question about religion, various languages, traditions and habits will never make such abyss as disrespect, dishonor and disloyalty. You can find yourself in situation when you will choose between self respect and friendship with certain person.

Let me introduce you this guy. His name is Luke and he is mechanic. He works with cars when he is sober, which is not often. He likes alcohol and his flat is full of empty bottles. He was party monster and he had much friends during his youth. Everybody liked to visit his parties to get drunk. Luke was champion, and nobody could drink more beer than he was. As time was passing by, his friends found girlfriends and jobs, so he was not hanging out with them too often. They were busy with daily obligations, so his friendships start to crack. Soon he had only few contacts, because they were avoiding him. Nobody wanted to be in situation to get embarrassed from drunker Luke.

It was summer and open air festival in his city, near lake. Luke was walking with beer in his hand and suddenly noticed his ex neighbor Zoe. She moved in another city because of work. Weekend was her time to visit parents and friends. Luke joined to Zoe on the table. She was not alone, but she felt sorry for this guy because everyone avoided him. Luke was drunk as usual and he noticed that Zoe has very pretty friends. They were her colleagues from workplace. Two blondes, Sarah and Ivy, girls with awesome smile and short skirts. Luke was offering beer, but they ignored him.

Dear, your boobs are so big. Which number of bra you wear? Let me guess your size. You remind me on Pamela Anderson. But, your tits are real, isn’t it?

It was very unpleasant moment and Zoe wished to vanish from this situation. She politely asked Luke to go away from them. He took his big glass of beer to make a toast and suddenly all fluid spill over the table. Girls were furious and left Zoe alone to deal with him.

Next morning Zoe visited Sarah in her office to apologize.

I understand you my dear, but excuse me, i don’t want to go out with you if your friend will join to us. He ruined my new blouse. It was expensive and now is totally ruined, black beer on white silk doesn’t look good. 

– I will give you money, i am so sorry, i had no idea that he could do something like this. Or, maybe i was too pity for him. 

Sarah was angry few days and later she accepted apology. Zoe never talked with Luke anymore. She gave him hand when nobody else did, and it was his thanks to her. He used opportunity to play role of idiot once again.

Sometimes our heart is too soft. We forgive other’s mistakes and even pay from own pocket. 
Bad acts should not be forgotten. If you forgive someone who did not deserve this, he will hurt you again, and also he will hurt collateral victims. That damage is as flood , spreading on places where you did not expect that.

Rat friend is not good choice. He will cut your good connections with the rest of the world. It is better to be a cat and eat him, than to give him slice of cheese.

5 reasons why friendship end

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Do you have problems with finding new friends? You are not extrovert, not popular or simply your standards are high? Maybe you are bohemian and simply, you don’t need much friends.

Or, you will not enter in other’s asses, just for the sake of friendship. Now we come to the next category, do you have problems with keeping friends? How many of your friendships broke with years, and do you still remember old friends with tears in your eyes?

When Hemingway said that “man is not an island” he did not count on new technology, as computers, cell phones , i-phones and similar modern toys. Nowadays any person might gather much virtual friends, with ability to delete and block anyone who cross limits of good taste. So, we could be lonely islands, but with electronic updates.

If you are one of those people who ask “what is wrong with me?” when friends leave you, don’t be desperate. Friends are as flowers, some are just for one season. You will smash your head with questions why dear people left you and forgot that for one dance takes two.

When friend say “goodbye”, this is also breakup, as in love relation. Difference is, you will not miss physical touch and kisses, but you will miss daily coffee, bowling, shopping, gossiping or all other nice things you were doing together.

There is no universal recipe how to keep friend.

Some people will sacrifice own priorities just to gather many friends, but in their background are many compromises. Do you think that your x friend is so happy because he has so many friends? See how much obligations he must do toward them. Call me weird, but when i come at home from my work, i like to rest on my bed without phone ringing, and even more, everyone who rings on my door is not welcome, unless is someone i dealt few days before.

Don’t mix word antisocial with word selective. You are not obligated to smile with everyone, to explain why you bring some life decisions or to brag about your privacy.

I was thinking a long time why some of my friendships failed. I was too selfish? I was too busy? As time flow, i realize that it became less important. When new people fill space in your life, you will not remember previous ones.

If you lost friend, maybe something of this happened:

Distance.

You had no time for friend, because you moved in another city, found new job or got married.

Disloyalty.

You found out that your friend is not so trustful as you thought. You shared secret and someone else know it too.

 

Disrespect.

Your friend did not respect your husband, wife, parents, children. All this happens when people forget that friends come in package with their families, other friends, partners. When you discriminate someone’s wife or husband, how such friend can like you?

 

Envy.

You did progress in career. You found your soulmate. Your friend is still searching, but your happiness is spit in his face. He see you as treat.

 

Different priorities.

You were inseparable as teenagers, but now your interests are different. So you don’t play football in local club anymore, you don’t drink beer with local gang or ride bike in free time. Now you are member of golf club or literary section. 

You don’t have to make conflict to lose friends. Sometimes, life circumstances will show you that you grow up before your friend did. Sometimes, end of friendship is ugly as breakup. Mutual judgments, skeletons from closet , bragging about dirty laundry. Once upon a long time ago you were happy buddies. Today, he is only shadow from your past and you don’t want to remember him.

Your friend is an imitator ?

 

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Social intelligence is ability to sympathize with others, to feel their needs and to help them if you can. Selfish person is deaf on other wishes, so when you hear someone to say “What i have to do with this, this is not my concern”, you know what to expect.

This kind of ability gives you eyes wide open, and your view into world is more ample. In this case, you will be able to communicate with people from different countries and with different attitudes. It doesn’t matter is your friend gay, atheist or nigger, you love them all on equal way.

No, it doesn’t mean that you must agree with others in everything, just this time boundaries are different. So, if you feel disrespect from other side, your right is to push this person away.

Recently i saw this kind of sentence in one group at internet. Guy said: “Please add me, i need friends, i have no friends. ” This voice of despair sounds creepy, because person marked himself as loser. So the same guy started to like everyone’s post, to confirm with everything with others say, just to get their attention. Result was bad, people found him as irritating and annoying.

For sure you can remember situation from childhood, when two girls wear the same clothes, when they kiss each other in cheek and hold their hands on the street. It looks cute on first sight, but somehow artificial.

What happens when girls grow up?

One girl found boyfriend, other is still single. 

One girl move in another city.

One girl spread her circle of friends, so she is not free as before, sometimes she wish to go in cinema with other girls.

One girl became more popular.

What other girl feels?

She is abandoned.

She is angry.

She is jealous.

Other girl says : “That is not fair. We wear the same clothes, we listen the same music, we grew up together. Now she makes distance with me. But i gave her all, i always stand behind her, even when she was not so sweet and kind. ”

That is situation with copy and paste friendship. In this case, other girl lost personality. She wears the same red skirt and white blouse, but also she talks, laughs and acts on the same way as her best friend. That is point of this story, she was clone and twin, but not equal part of this friendship.

Copy paste friendships are field of risk.

If you have friend who copy your style, as in movie with Bridget Fonda, this situation is dangerous. It will turn on two ways : your friend is addicted to you because you create her or your friend hates you because she gets less attention than you.

Best friends are indeed people who are not always sweet together. They fight and argue, they have different taste and priorities, but their friendship is as chess board. Black and white, different personalities, but awesome in one mosaic. This relation is mature, because you don’t need to wear the same skirt to prove your loyalty and devotion.

Why some men fall under influence of their friends?

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Mature person has strong attitude and ability to make own decision. Adult man will pick woman accord his taste and wishes, and he will not be influenced by friends or family. Unfortunately, some men stay childish and immature during whole life, and their decisions are products of other influences.
We can recognize them since childhood. Small kid is afraid of stronger boys, so he will act smarmy toward street leaders. He needs protection from big guy who will be his brother. In his company he feels pleasant and safe. Don’t bite hands which is feeding you is his favorite quote, so he will do everything for return. This association is product of weakness, Small guy could not be popular between girls without help of this Big guy.
That happened with Nathan. He was average boy with average face, slim and short, so guys teasing him from childhood. He was not midget, but in company of guys who were copies of Van Damme, he felt like unprotected girl. So when his neighbor Harlan start to date with Lena, the most sexy girl in his neighborhood, Nathan could not fight for her. She was his secret love, but he never confessed his feelings to her, instead this he made friendship with Harlan. He was leader and Nathan was slave, guy who will buy cigarettes and lend money, depends of occasion. When Nathan met Laura, things changed, because Laura was stubborn girl and she made decision by herself. She rejected few tough guys from the street, she wanted to be with Nathan. But, as couple, they disagreed about lot of things. Nathan was weak, toy boy, and Laura did not like it. He called her devil lady, because she was hasty and fearless and often in conflicts with others. After few months Nathan broke this relation, she made mess in his peaceful life and he decide to leave her.
When Nathan saw Laura in conversation with Harlan, after one year of their breakup, he start to feel jealousy. Everybody in this company liked Laura, she had sharp tongue and they considered her as very exciting girl. They did not met her before because Nathan was always hiding her, from fear that she will make drama. Now, he saw that he was wrong and coward. Later Harlan told him that he is idiot to let go such interesting girl. Nathan wanted to talk with her in private. He asked for another chance.
Laura said to him:
So meanwhile you got guts? Or your big friend said to you how to respect me? This is very sad my dear. 
 
– Please i don’t like fights. I like normal women, normal talk.
 
– Really? Then go to find normal woman, what are you waiting for?

Nathan realized that he lost his chance forever. Laura wanted just understanding but he was too big coward and too addicted of other opinions. His small life was garden with flowers and it was no place for tiger there. He did not know that Laura also need love , but she could not change her hot temper because of him. She loved him and he hurt her by his ignorance, but he could not realize that, because he was too busy with his fears. What will other’s say and how he will risk with that girl, one day someone could smack him because of her.

Old Latin proverb said: similar similis gaudet.

Similar people with similar attitudes and interests will find each other on every level. When two persons are very different it is hard to find common language. Passion in the beginning, but conflicts at the end will make this relation impossible to survive. Someone will give up and this is end. The biggest obstacle is disability of own thinking. If you need that others confirm your choice , you are pathetic. At the end you will share life with that person, not your friends, relatives or family.

Weak person will always need own guardian angel. That kind of person is insecure in own existence and he needs protection of someone with bigger power. Sometimes, that angel will lead him in unknown direction, and he will fall into identity crises.

Who watch your back?

Sometimes we can’t handle problems alone. Even the strongest person will need shoulder for cry or just a hug, as sign that everything will be better. If you are woman, you will need double dose. We are sensitive creatures and even we don’t want to admit it, sometimes we need corner for cry.

When you feel as the whole world is against you, when your life is expressed only in black color, you will need support. Our friends, sisters, brothers, parents and our beloved husbands or wives are our shelter. We expect comfort from them because they are in our hearts.

Dana came from work, exhausted and angry. She cried, not because of grief, he was angry because at her workplace was huge injustice. Her office mate is smoking and nobody wants to act against her, and Dana is choking every day in cloud of cigarette. At the end of work time they had fight and Dana almost slap her. It was very ugly scene at office, but necessary. So Dana wanted support of her husband Dylan. He talked with her, but there was no emotions in his voice. He talked about behavior at workplace, about holes in law system, and general conclusion was that life is a shit. She did not get hug or kiss. Later he turn on television and it was end of conversation. She was even more furious. She went on Skype and talked with her virtual friend Boris from Moscow. Suddenly, stranger understood all what she wanted to say. He did not use much words, but she make her laugh with some jokes. She felt close to him, more closer than to Dylan.

When we talk about our personal problems, is our beloved partner always right choice for conversation?

When you spend every day with one person, argues are unnecessary. He is also tired, exhausted, maybe unhappy. So, some stranger will have more energy to comfort you. At least, he is more objective, and if he says wrong words you will not yell at him. You can close camera to finish conversation.

What when our support is missing? When Louise lost virginity, she said about it her sister Linda. Linda had breakup with boyfriend and all what she said was :”So, big deal.” Louise was disappointed, but she tried to understand that circumstances were not good to share her secret. Even, she always remember how she could not share her first love experience with sister.

Talking about other problems will help to forget ours. I always think, if i can help someone with advice, my existence is not useless. I can’t help myself, but maybe i can help others so this is not in vain. Maybe, one day it will turn back to me for good. Of course, i will always think who is person worthy of my help. I don’t want to involve in something what is not my business or to get damage from this.

You are good support if you are objective. It is not necessary that you put your hand in fire and get burn. You can tell to person about self respect, about positive views of some situation or just to make someone smile. Just don’t feel sorry because this is an opposite effect.

Support is feeling that you can lean on someone. That person will be your right hand when you can’t anymore. She will help you to get up. But, at the end, you will deal with your problems alone. Nobody will get dirty for you.

Who is your friend with benefits?

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You are hungry for passion and you are not in relation? Relation is indeed obligation and it takes lot of attempts to find right partner. Sometimes we can be so busy that we have no time to focus on special person in our life, to reply on every SMS and every phone call, to support that person in the case of troubles or problems.

If we are not ready for relation, we must be honest. Here is an option if you don’t want to be alone but also if you don’t want to be bonded with someone. This solution is friend with benefit.

Samantha was excellent student, she was running for future career and education was her dream. She wanted to become successful lawyer. All her relations broke because she was so busy with exams, seminars and also she was working in library during her free time. Her partners felt that they are  unnecessary things and all gone from her life. This stressful life make her frustrated because she needed sex. She didn’t want to be promiscuous because of her reputation. So she had deal with her best friend Frank. From time to time, they had dates with sex. Frank was single, also not ready for obligations and he liked Samantha so they had casual sex once at week. But then Frank found girlfriend and Samantha became jealous. He was cheating his regular girlfriend with Samantha and that relation broke. Frank and Samantha involved feelings and they became real couple. This story had happy ending.

 

Melissa had no such luck. Her friend Ronald used her for sex, but she hoped it will be different. She realized after one year that it will never change, because Melissa was only sexual toy for Ronald. He was nice with other girls, but he did not know when Melissa has birthday, what is her’s sister name and so many things important to respect person. She took him benefits and broke that connection, with tears.

What is important if you decide to have friend with benefit?

check out is that person single

– accept that is deal only for sex

– don’t be jealous on his or her private life, your meetings are just for sex

– you can get out from that “relation” anytime, without explanation

– don’t judge or blame your friend with benefit, it was deal from the start

If you are not stable person, if you live in dreams or it is easy to deceive you, this kind of relation is not for you. This is game of nerves and your feelings must shut down. Even if that “relation” become something serious, it will not be with force or because you beg for real love. It will be spontaneous.

 

Think about that person, how much benefits he or she deserve , because you are master of your body. Also be sure that person knows to keep a secret, because some people are corny and traditional. Maybe your future partner could not accept that you had friend with benefit. Let it be your sweet secret.