anxiety · character · crises · happiness · illusion · lesson · lies · relations

Reality check and illusions

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People use to say: “You live in illusion. ” “You need reality check. “

What is indeed illusion?

Absence of real beliefs.

Flying on cloud instead of walking on the ground.

Too big expectations.

Impossible aims.

Reality check is cold shower, something what people need when they fly too high. There must be a difference between vision and dream. Vision is based on real expectation, but dream is based on imagination.

I wish to get marry for Brad Pitt. This is dellusional example.

I wish to buy new dress, which is too expensive for me but not impossible to buy.

Sometimes, people with manipulation skills will hold dellusional people in traps , because on this way they can feed their ego.

Woman X lives in USA. She promised man from Turkey that she will come to visit him. She delayed her arrival first for 6 months, then for a year. Then she said she will come in summer and later in winter. He is still waiting for her but she hesitates and wants to get on time. He is afraid to travel to see her so both are in ungrateful position. Their illusion is more beautiful than reality so they stick on safe ground of their dream because reality is insecure.

Did you stuck in kind of illusion?

How you deal with this?

These are consequences of life in illusion :

Awakening in tears.

Cuts of some connections which were based on dreams.

Loss of trust and confidence.

Loss of hope.

Black white insight on life.

Why people hold on their imaginary hopes, even deep inside they know it will not work out?

Well, i remember movie “The escape from Alcatraz. ” Man was painter, and he knew he will not get out from prison but he will make his life easier by drawing. When headmaster of jail took him his tools and material, he made suicide.

If you want to kill person inside, kill his dream. Kill hope that something is worth living or that some day will be better.

Reality check is not for all people, some are born to live in dreams because they don’t know how to walk on the ground. Mama’s boy will rather live with his mother than to ask woman to marry. Unemployed guy will rather sleep at home than ask for a job. Woman who is unhappy in love will rather hold on her problematic marriage or relation.

Illusions feed us, the same way as they made us damage. Who wish to get out from that poisoned circle must be aware that this is not healthy life.

I was in illusion that one friendship will last forever. Guy said me : “Life can separate you and your friend. ” He was in right, once when she gone in another city she never asked for me.

After you break illusion, there is something brighter. Empty space for someone special, for something special, but this time you wear safe glasses and you know where you will go .

couples · crises · drama · dreams · ego · erotica · freedom · happiness · relations

What happens when love is not mutual?

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The basic point of every fairy tale is magic stick . If you are beautiful fairy who holds this , you can turn frog into prince, poor guy into rich guy and bad guy into good guy. That dream sounds as realization of your hopes, and some women still make fantasies to change their boyfriends or husbands. “If he could change toward my wishes, i would have easier job.” In reality, it doesn’t works , because you can’t change guy without losing his personality. Maybe he listened you and did some changes accord your wishes, but he is not the same guy you met. Now you have business with kind of zombie, lobotomized man who is not the one you loved.
Every man is made of kind of buttons. If you press his positive buttons, you will be in harmony with him. If you press negative buttons all the time, your relation is more tragedy than romance. On this way we can explain why the same man is so good accord some women, and why other women can’t stand him. Understanding and accepting is key of love, so if you love wild guys, you will accept that he needs time to be alone with  himself, even to runaway for a short to find himself again. If you use leash to slow him down, you will lose him.
Two biggest nightmares of every woman are:
1. guy i love will not give me love back
2. guy i don’t like will follow me everywhere and i will not get rid of him
If you mix this two stories in the same time, it will be black comedy. On one side, you fall for guy who never noticed you, and on the other hand, guy you don’t wish to see is always on your back. If you think that you can change situation, to force guy to fall for you, or to chill out guy not to fall for you, that is wrong way. This is trap and the best way for you is to escape from confusing situation.
Relax, it is not all black.
You will see how Brenda learnt from this two situations.
 
Brenda wanted Kevin. In this situation, Kevin was indeed on half way. He wanted Brenda, but sometimes. Brenda wanted serious relation and commitment, and she was very persistent . She called him on phone, she sent thousand messages and e-mails, she did everything to sabotage his relations with other women. At the end, Kevin runaway from this situation. He felt as prisoner, without space to decide.
Cole wanted Brenda. Now Brenda felt on her skin what happens when stalker loves you. Cole was her colleague and she was working in the same office with him. She could not talk with others without his presence, he poke nose in her work, and every lunch pause he was on her back. For the first time, Brenda saw herself in the mirror. She understood better how Kevin felt. But it was too late.
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When love is not mutual, you are in relation with zombie.
No matter are you the one who doesn’t love, or your beloved doesn’t love you, this connection is forced bond.
Try to make love with someone without feelings, you will hate yourself next morning.
Try to say i love you without spark in your heart, you will dislike yourself .
Imagine yourself in tunnel. You are walking slowly, and on the other side is your love. If you love him, and if he loves you, this meeting will be hilarious. Your heart will beat, you will lose breath, your cheeks will blush. Even you will talk as stammerer. That is love, silly and logical in the same moment.
Well, if you don’t love your boyfriend, or if your boyfriend doesn’t feel the same, you will make this relation as summary of formalities.
Fake smile, kind words, hug without heart beats. Sad situation, but some couples are that kind of zombies. They are together for wrong reasons, because they think to change situation at better point.
Artificial flowers can’t smell and grow. The same is with relation without sparks. If chemistry doesn’t exist, it will not appear from somewhere. In this case, your relation is only piece of paper.
anxiety · behavior · couples · drama · ego · egoism · flirt · happiness · relations

Why people stay in bad relations?

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When relation has broke, we ask for causers. It did not happen yesterday that something was wrong. It had happened before few years, few months or we just ignored signs. Or, did you realize that you were the only one who kept this relation alive?

 

When i hear or read some articles about women who complained that their guy treat them bad, i always wonder why did they stay in such relation. What was the reason? Love, money, fear or just a habit? Then, second question would be, why guy did not break this, when he did not love as he should love his partner?

Some phenomenon i wish to talk about are forced breakups. No, this is not breakup with gun , nobody is physically injured. This is situation where guy is passive, ignorant, but he is still there and he waits for a moment when woman will say – enough.

In this story Lidia fall in love in Patrick. They were cute couple, as she was stronger part in this relation, and he was more mama’s boy. Despite of all, they had good time together. When Lidia said that she wants breakup, all her friends were surprised. Lidia explained that Patrick never planned weekends. Patrick never bought her gift , even for her birthday, he said her to choose something in market, and he was paying bill. Lidia suggested when will they make love at first time, also her idea was that they need to live together. Patrick would say “i don’t know” and it was story of their life. One day Lidia had flu and Patrick visited his mother. Her temperature was very high so she called Patrick to drive her at emergency. Patrick said that he can’t do it this moment, cause he helps his mother with new furniture. Lidia called neighbor to help her. When she recovered, she said Patrick to pack his things and move out from her flat.

This what some women do, stay in relation where is no actions, no plans and no future.

Why guys stay in relation when they indeed don’t care for a woman?

They have safe sex with one partner.

They have safe shelter, kind of home.

They have friend and partner in the same box.

They have someone to cuddle their ego.

Now, question is, who should run first? Woman who is damaged, or man who is passive? I think many woman wait for a final event, something what would shock her. This shock effect, as betrayal, affair, disloyalty is just a milestone. So, now is enough. Now i got you. Now, we are at the end of this road.

I understand, to break with someone who doesn’t give a shit about you must be hard if you love this person. You are going against your heart. He is also not in good position, because he knows he will hurt you. Well, he hurts you all the time, so breakup is a crown. Isn’t it better to jump from the window, than to roll over the steps, as the last hero of masochism?

 

bohemians · character · crises · depression · destiny · freedom · happiness · relations

Are you afraid of challenges?

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Remember game with the bottle in childhood? You are sitting in circle with friends, someone spin the bottle and when this stop spinning, person who is nearest to the bottle will answer on questions. This was unpleasant situation because question were challenges. Some games went so far that picked person should kiss someone.

This was childhood trauma. Girls were playing with Barbara, she was introvert and good material for cruel jokes. They said to her, kiss the tree, otherwise we will avoid you. But Barbara was tough and she rejected to made fool of yourself. Kissing tree was worse than kiss the ugliest guy. Everybody waited but she did not move. That act made her stubborn and later she did good career, because she despise authorities.

Monica was victim of “truth or dare.” She got questions about her sex life, and in circle were some unknown guys. She talked without shame how she changed few guys in her bed, and after this game guys were looking at her with different eyes. One of them wanted to flirt with her, because she was so open minded. She was indeed naive, because her story spread around. The rule of the game was “nothing can’t go out of this circle”, but nobody respected this. She had troubles with rumors about her. Every guy who asked her for a date wanted sex.

The third girl in circle was Andrea. She was silent and old fashioned. She replied on every question in a way ” i don’t have idea, because i never went through this.” Indeed, she was boring. She lived in safe box and she stayed like these until 35. Life saved  her many troubles, but she was prisoner in golden cage. She still lives with her mother and she thinks that God has solution for her. Prince charming will ring on her doorbell and she will be awarded for her purity. Recently guy fooled her on internet. He had fake photos and when they met at coffee he was different person. He said these were photos from his youth, and she was so disappointed.

Truth or dare is life question. Shall we accept challenges or not?
If we want to taste beauty of life, we will sign invisible contract. We accept to bleed inside, to suffer, to cry. Also we will have joyful days, full of life and happiness. Never regret because sometimes you feel that you are frozen, that you can’t get out from your house because life was unfair with you. You will be wiser and stronger after you solve your problems. Also, you will be grateful, because you broke this obstacles. This is pleasure, when you get something what was so difficult to reach.

Barbara was stubborn, Monica was naive, and Andrea was coward. They faced with problems on different ways. Life gave them what they earned in this truth or dare game.

beauty · behavior · destiny · flirt · freedom · gossip · happiness · illusion · lies · relations

Why women judge each others?

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Women like to say : i am different, i am difficult, i am hard. This might sound as they want to justify their position when something happens to some other women. “It could not happen to me. I would never do that. ” We are able to judge each other cause it is in our nature.

If everyone is different, then we are all again the same. I would say that everyone can be easy target in some life situations. Sometimes you can’t help to yourself, when you expose your weakness.

Imagine situation. You are hard target when you are cold toward guys which are not your type. That guy is for you ugly, boring, you simply don’t want him and it is very easy to be unavailable toward him. Well, if man attracts you, it is not easy to pretend that you don’t want him, it is not easy to control your feelings, even you smell trouble. That is why we will make same mistakes, even we know how story will finish.

When woman is hard target?

If she is not in mood for relation, not in such phase, because she got over hard breakup or she is busy with her job or personal problems.

If she really doesn’t like guy.

If she wants someone else who doesn’t want her.

If her nature is calculated. Simply, she doesn’t want to waste time on temporary adventures or random flirts.

What is with other women, who are emotional, spontaneous, passionate by nature? Are they easy targets or just not cautious as they should be?

Should we judge them if they fail in relations? Should we give them advices ?

I think every woman has her crush and burn period in life. If she learn this , she will watch out and she will not look at men with same eyes.  Also, if you are person who likes risk, bigger are chances that you will burn your fingers.

I had friend who lived in golden cage. Her first boyfriend was her neighbor, other boyfriend was also neighbor and she got married for him. She never tasted adventures, because she was afraid of risk . She was saved on some way, but on other way she was limited because at her point she was always judging women who lived different.

It is easy to be closed in golden cage when you know nobody can enter. Nobody can hurt you, but nobody can surprise you either.

When woman says, i am different, i would not sit in his car, i would not show my face on internet, i would not talk with such guy, she is judging others on a way like they are childish or stupid. Like she discovered America, but indeed she build wall. Walls are not so resistant and one day one man can swap her on ground.

When you build bridge, when you open your heart, you are open target. You are not different from others , not easy to get, you are just ready to risk. This is only difference between women who live safely and those who live in troubles.

Curiosity killed the cat, as old proverb said, so you can only learn from your troubles. One day , when you get old, maybe you would regret because you did not live more. Or maybe you will be proud because you expose yourself.

My ex office mate once said : “Why to afraid to talk about sex? When i was young, i got laid in beach and everywhere. So, why to regret?”

anxiety · behavior · character · crises · depression · friendship · happiness · relations

Do you live in the box?

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If you wish to search key of life, remember all pain which you passed. Under this pain was joy and achievement, because you earned this. You did not surrender, you were struggling, you faced with all troubles and still you keep walking. That is real life, maybe under your expectation, but the biggest reward is that you participated.

When someone dies, we look on his life, as history. Person who had lot of love, family and friends did not live in vain. This person will leave track and memories. I don’t believe in miracles and i see all unexpected events as bonus. The rest is on me, and there is no game if i don’t want to play.

The saddest part of life is not death. The worst thing you can ever do, is to surrender. If you close yourself in the box, you are dead since you were born. Passive people, chickens and cowards are living in the cage, with big fear that someone will open their cage and air of life will blow them into unknown place.

How does it look, when you are living in the box?

You never went out from place you were born. Your house is your shelter, and you live under umbrella.

You will avoid to travel, because undesirable things could happen to you.

You will avoid love relations, when you realize that their content is also sadness and pain.

You will never work, because unpleasant people are around you.

You will be bohemian person, without friends, because friends can hurt you also.

You will never risk if you are not 100% sure that you should accept an offer.

Let me introduce Aida to you. She is religious girl and she has strong faith in God. Her little world is locked with thousand keys. She lives with parents and relatives in big house. She never had job and relation. She never made love with man. She never left her city, even for small trip. Aida has 40 years old. She is pretty woman, educated and she is definitely not stupid. What is wrong with her? She believes that her God will bring her miracles. She is untouchable and she broke many friendships because people were terrified with her story. She believes, that real man will knock at her door. In her dreams, he is rich, smart , handsome as model and he loves only her. Then they will live in big house with big family. During her life, Aida met some impostors and she blamed bad fate for this. Problem was, she was never able to get out from her box and to face it with life. All this real opportunities were not good enough to her, because her standards are very high. So, still she is waiting for her Prince charming.

We can easy know when someone is living in the box.

If you try open talk with this person, she will be insulted, because you show reality.

She will watch movies, soap operas and she is probably in love in main actor from some romantic comedy.

She will make gossips about others, because she lives through their lives.

She will try to compare herself with others. So, even she is alone, it is better than husband who earn small money or husband who is not so handsome. She would not let him approach to her box.

Why we are humans? We will did lot of efforts and mistakes, we will be sad, angry, embarrassed or even devastated. If you have guts, you will wipe dust and get up, as Phoenix. Real people arise from the dust with smile. Winner will never accept even to get into box.

Winner has wings and fly in open, insecure heaven. There is maybe dangerous eagle and circumstances are against him. That is the beauty of life, black background with red roses. Pick up your rose and repaint your background, because you can do it. Throw out key of your box, and then burn this box.

business · career · depression · discrimination · drama · dreams · happiness · relations

Why is necessary to do changes in your life?

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How many times you heard words : “It is just a habit, quit this. ” When we stuck in kind of trouble caused by our addiction to someone or to something, we think there is no exit.

Bad friends, bad lovers, bad job? You are overweight, too shy or you can’t find friends?

Bad habit is part of every problem which should be changed. In the beginning is fear, in the middle is chaos but a the end is fascination. That is how i think when i changed some things in my life.

Bad friends were falling as domino, one by one, even just before some times i was thinking i can’t live without them. Ex boyfriends , some i could not imagine life without them, are past today. I can’t remember that story which included them.

How changes affect on us?

Feeling powerful. Finally, your life is in your hand.

Feeling stronger. Now, you are not a toy, you are person who will decide about you.

Feeling independent. Now, others will not take your life in your hands.

Feeling happy. You won over your fear and it makes you self confident and happy.

Feeling brave. At least, you develop guts.

If you stuck in the same movie with the same actors, the end will be familiar to you. You will live in the same day again and again. Even you will wonder that you are cursed, because same bad things are happening to you all the time.

Try something different. This is happiness in empty area. Now you step on into area where you did not know what is happening. You did not visit this area before. As beginner’s luck in cards or gamble, this change might bring positive result to you.  Now you are clean of poisons, judgments, you are filtered and illuminated.  This is the biggest motivation you could get.

 

abstinence · couples · crises · happiness · illusion · passion · prejudices · relations

Status “not single” – “not taken”

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Did you ever find yourself in the middle of nowhere , even you date with someone? Hank is one of guys who stuck in long relation. He feels unhappy because this relation doesn’t fill his needs, but he has no strength to get out from this. When his best friend Linda asked him why he can’t be alone, he replied : “I need someone to hold on.” Fear from loss and loneliness are basic elements of ruined relations, because people will stay in them even they look like abandoned houses. These are type of relations which doesn’t exist indeed, they are only walls for protection.
If we talk about love statuses, we can find interesting informations about people who are neither single, neither taken. This is kind of vacuum between love and hate, where two partners hold on each other, even they are aware that things will not work out.
Here are some stories which i heard randomly, and it can be related to “not single – not taken” statuses.
I have neighbor, he is handsome and busy, and i like him. He comes to me at dinner , i care about him when he is drunk and sometimes we have sex. But we are not in relation.”
 
“Me and my ex wife live in the same house. Officially, we are divorced, but we can’t deal about property. So until court solve this issue, we live together, even i did not touch her for a year.”
 
” I am in virtual marriage. Yes, you can laugh to me. Indeed i have wife and children, they are grow up, but they all don’t care about me. So i find young girl at social network, we are together every day at skype and whatsapp and i feel happy with her. So we decided to get marry on internet.”
 
” I live with my mother but i spend every day in house of my girlfriend. We will not get marry , my mother is cooking and washing my laundry, and my girlfriend is here to make me smile. I don’t want to be alone.”
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What real relation needs?
Obligation. Some people are irresponsible, so they don’t want commitment.
Fidelity. You need to focus on one person. If that person can’t fill your whole heart, you will hard decide about relation.
Division. Relation is deal. What is yours, that is mine and opposite. If you can’t share anything with other person, you don’t want to be in relation.
Stability. You can’t change opinion every day, about your future. You must be sure about your feelings.
When you are in the middle of romance, you are someone who is half hungry. You will taste cake, but you will not eat all. You don’t want to stay hungry, but you are not ready for big bite.
Vacuum romances are stories on half way. What is the purpose? You will realise what you need and what you don’t need. This person is maybe your experimental rabbit, someone who will take you into the main road, but the rest you will do alone.
You can ask yourself questions to test your real feelings. Can i live without her? If he leave, can i handle this or he will terribly miss me?
Method of elimination will give the best answers. Maybe you don’t know what you want, but if you eliminate unnecessary things you will get answer what is really important to you.
anxiety · cyber space · drama · dreams · happiness · illusion · internet · relations

Can you control your fantasies?

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If we compare reality and our fantasies, tastes are different. Reality often leaves bitter taste in our mouth, like we swallowed fish oil. Fantasies are cream on the cake, that sugar dose which will make our life more magical. If you have habit to live in fantasies, you can’t look into eyes of your reality. It is too much painful, cruel or simply you feel empty? Take a nap and call your fantasies in your dreams, but don’t sleep forever otherwise you will have nightmares.

Doris always get late from her office work. Sometimes she works overtime, that is private company and her boss is unpredictable. If they don’t sell some products on time, she will stay even for weekends. After work she must go in the shopping mall. Her husband is also busy and tired so Doris will buy grosseries for dinner. That Tuesday was especially bad day. Doris got complaints from her clients, her boss was yelling on her and it was terrible crowd on the road. Finally, she went into mall and there was big line, one old woman made mess because she forgot her wallet. Doris wanted to destroy all around herself, but all she could do was deep sigh. 

Recently she opened her profile on one social network. It was her escape from reality. When her husband Paul started to snore, her only comfort was to stay awake in the middle of the night. There she met Gerard, man from France. They were immediately connected , as virtual lovers. Doris had virtual affair, and she did not feel guilt. After all, Paul was not interested for sex for a week, he was constantly tired and Doris wanted passionate moments. Gerard and Doris exchanged erotic messages. She opened herself to him, and he trusted her to talk about his life. His fiance died from cancer before two years, and accord his story he had terrible shock and he could not make love with any woman, because he had feeling that he is cheating. Doris was sexy woman and her photos attracted Gerard, especially her breasts, always in tight shirts. That captured his attention, and he felt excited and horny. After some time Doris noticed that he talks with her only in messages. He was his friend at her page, but when she opened statuses, Gerard was numb. Also, he was very talkative with other women. Gerard explained to Doris, he can’t talk with her public, because he is ashamed of his dirty messages to her. He imagined her lips with his penis in mouth. Even he asked her permission to masturbate on her photos. Doris was unpleasantly surprised, especially when they had very hot chat, and after that Gerard talked with one woman on his status and called her lady. “So what is me?” Doris asked him, and he said ” I think that you like sex, i can see in your eyes.”

Doris did not want to participate in this fantasy anymore. Suddenly, even her husband was more atractive than Gerard. At least, Paul respected Doris and he was proud on her, she was indeed ambitious lady and very educated. In this moment, Doris felt very low and dirty. Gerard has many virtual women as friends, some were ugly and old, others were in cheap clothes, but he respected all and he spent all day to talk with them. When Doris appeared, he was numb and silent. So she wrote to him polite message to leave her alone. It was as business letter “our cooperation is over, go to shrink.” In some symbolic sense, Doris was bottle with pills, Gerard needed her to feel alive, but he could not respect her. He separated two things, his passion and respect and finally result was negative.

Fantasies are as white clouds, they look amazing until the storm. 

Then they will change color into grey and black. The same is with our imagination. One step too far and our dream is now nightmare. You were dreaming, but you fall from your bed and hit straight into your head. Ouch, that hurts. How can you be so stupid? You allow someone to tresspass into your privacy. That hot stranger is owner of your black side, your expression of secret desires now are his property. 

The good thing about fantasies is that we can use them as reminder.

You did not value what you had, so someone will remind you that it can be even worse. Maybe your reality is not Hollywood, but don’t want to swim in dirty water. This is risk which you take when you step into dark zone. Unknown area is maybe danger zone. This hot stranger doesn’t hold flower in his hands. He holds a bomb, which will explode every minute, together with your honor and reputation.

addiction · beauty · behavior · destiny · drama · dreams · erotica · happiness · relations

Do you understand body language?

Chemistry is something what you can’t fake. Sparks are visible from the plane, and vibrations travel free, without control. Body language is universal language of humans. Wrong translation can get you into problems.
If someone make a quiz, to guess which people are indeed couples, you can guess it by some marks. 
 
They look each other in the eyes, and touch randomly, without plan. 
 
They smile a lot, because of mutual impression.
 
They are arguing about small things. 
 
They did not notice how much time they spent on the same place.
 
They are cleaning each other. You will move bread crumbs from his shirt, he will wipe small glitch of chocolate from your lips.
When people try to hide relation, or problematic past relation, they will control their reactions. This is an opposite effect, because all what you would do in contact with this person is now contrary. For example, you would say hello and shake hands on the street, but now you will turn on your head and walk faster, because you don’t want to remind yourself on former relationship.
Angela had painful relation with guy who cheated her. After some time, she found new boyfriend Darren.  They visited local event. There was Pete, her ex boyfriend. She was in panic. She wanted to leave, but Darren asked for a reason. Angela wanted to sit more far, and Darren noticed that she is nervous. Pete was looking in her direction, and Angela was looking at him too, with grumpy expression at face. Darren got the point, he asked her about Pete. Men are available to feel when someone is in mind of their girlfriends. They feel hunter’s instinct, and you can be silent and cold outside, but they will feel what is wrong. Their pride and masculinity will make simple equation. It means , their relation is attacked from outside.
If you feel something for someone who doesn’t know this, or you wish forgiveness from ex love, words are not enough and effective in every case. Actions and body language will show you way.
Some ideas:
Make a smile, move on when she is passing and offer her free chair.
 
If she is waiting in the line, tell her she can wait in front of you. You have time and she is in rush.
 
If she is mocked by other girls or guys, be brave and tell her that she has right. Or she is amazing and misunderstood.
 
Use internet. Make a post with something what she likes. Her favorite song, lyric, movie. 
Direct approach is not always desirable. You can lose potential girlfriend if you are too pushy, too persistent or you  suffocate her. She needs choice. How she might choose if she can’t breath?
As quote says :