Who is your friend with benefits?

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You are hungry for passion and you are not in relation? Relation is indeed obligation and it takes lot of attempts to find right partner. Sometimes we can be so busy that we have no time to focus on special person in our life, to reply on every SMS and every phone call, to support that person in the case of troubles or problems.

If we are not ready for relation, we must be honest. Here is an option if you don’t want to be alone but also if you don’t want to be bonded with someone. This solution is friend with benefit.

Samantha was excellent student, she was running for future career and education was her dream. She wanted to become successful lawyer. All her relations broke because she was so busy with exams, seminars and also she was working in library during her free time. Her partners felt that they are  unnecessary things and all gone from her life. This stressful life make her frustrated because she needed sex. She didn’t want to be promiscuous because of her reputation. So she had deal with her best friend Frank. From time to time, they had dates with sex. Frank was single, also not ready for obligations and he liked Samantha so they had casual sex once at week. But then Frank found girlfriend and Samantha became jealous. He was cheating his regular girlfriend with Samantha and that relation broke. Frank and Samantha involved feelings and they became real couple. This story had happy ending.

 

Melissa had no such luck. Her friend Ronald used her for sex, but she hoped it will be different. She realized after one year that it will never change, because Melissa was only sexual toy for Ronald. He was nice with other girls, but he did not know when Melissa has birthday, what is her’s sister name and so many things important to respect person. She took him benefits and broke that connection, with tears.

What is important if you decide to have friend with benefit?

check out is that person single

– accept that is deal only for sex

– don’t be jealous on his or her private life, your meetings are just for sex

– you can get out from that “relation” anytime, without explanation

– don’t judge or blame your friend with benefit, it was deal from the start

If you are not stable person, if you live in dreams or it is easy to deceive you, this kind of relation is not for you. This is game of nerves and your feelings must shut down. Even if that “relation” become something serious, it will not be with force or because you beg for real love. It will be spontaneous.

 

Think about that person, how much benefits he or she deserve , because you are master of your body. Also be sure that person knows to keep a secret, because some people are corny and traditional. Maybe your future partner could not accept that you had friend with benefit. Let it be your sweet secret.

Likability – 3 reasons why people like you

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Recently i had quarrel with my office mate. She said that everyone at my workplace hate me. I almost cried from laugh, because i am not important boss and i don’t bring crucial decisions that everyone would dislike me. Hate is strong feeling, and when someone hates you, this means that person is afraid of you, wants to be like you or simply, you have something what that person could not have. I said on diplomatic way, that i came there to earn money, not to love or hate people. For me, they are blank and i will be nice to everyone because this is my professional duty. Maybe i sound cold, but i am really not interested about their children’s poop, their problems with coughing or husbands who snores all night.

This brings me to next question, why some people try to force other’s empathy or love? Why they are desperate for likability, and what is this, indeed?

Remember your childhood, when you first time felt that your peers dislike you. Did you fit in? Maybe naughty girl destroyed your favorite doll or nasty guy hit you with ball into face, so you came at home with tears in your eyes. As teenager, maybe girls laughed to your pimples or you have been considered as nerd. As workmate, maybe you tasted bitter insults because you wear wrong clothes, you are not kind or you radiate on negative way.

So, if you are not miss or mister of popularity, should you buy shotgun and shot into your head? Maybe you try to get what indeed attract people and why someone is having huge number of friends, and you are bohemian soul.

I see three kinds of likability:

Artificial likability. 

If you are famous, not everyone is your friend. They will follow you cause you are popular. How many sincere smiles and words are on your side? Many of this things are fake, because you are rich and successful. Today they admire to you, next day they will laugh to you.

Forced likability.

If you watched war movies directed by Clint Eastwood, you will remember soldiers who sow fear. Tough general is in the center of likability, but this likability is based on fear. In the case of defeat, someone will shot him.

Spontaneous likability.

This is the best form , because people love you for what you are. You are not dependable of their opinions, you don’t ask nothing from them, but they simply love you, because your independence inspires them.

Recently i was talking with psychologist on his blog page and he asked people what is likability, how they see this value. He said that such person has deeper insight of life than in mainstream media. This brings me to next conclusion : how much internet force people to be likable for each other? When you see desperate teens seeking for likes who can’t move eyes from their cell phones, in expecting of notifications on social media, are they desperate? Or, this is just sheep race, because her classmate got 30 likes for profile photo, and she is not so popular?

Are you typical tender woman ?

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Pink color is for girls, blue is for guys – that is first difference between genders which we noticed in childhood. This statement talks about women more than it seems like. It considers woman as fragile, gentle creature who will cry if you touch her and it gives man obligation to cherish her with attention.

If you are man with such draft, for sure your will consider woman as someone who likes flowers, romantic song and movies, someone who confirm your every word and clap hands when you express your attitude. You will expect that woman should be always kind, nice and with smile on her face. Also, you will not tolerate conflicts because it is not woman’s business to involve in man’s things. As in middle age, woman who was arguing should be exposed on square as bad example.

Some men have no idea about woman’s shades. Women are not black and white, bad and good. Woman is more than pretty hair, cute smile and gentle words. Woman is strong inside more than you think.

Trouble happens when macho man, so called alpha wolf try to deal with blunt woman.

Gerard used to deal with many women. Mostly, they fall on his charm and obeyed to him. He started to get bored, because they were all the same. He did not remember even their names. His strategy was the same : sweet words , flowers, chocolate, dinner with candles, walking by the sea in his city and hot night in hotel. After that, Gerard kept contact with them , but not because he cared, just because to call them again when it will be their turn. He picked women from the same basket. They were about 10-15 years older than he, mostly lonely, divorced or hungry for love.

Then he met Alicia. She was blunt woman, tired of bad experiences but full of life. It was something at her what captured his heart immediately, her strong will and defiance. Even when she slept with him, she did not want to obey. She did all opposite to his wishes, because she heard about his reputation. She left his city without notify him and later send him message that they don’t match together. She saw his cell phone full of naked videos and she decided, not to be part of this. Gerard felt he fall in love first time in his life, and all he could do to wait her to change her mind. Alicia asked for serious relation, and Gerard had dilemma, to say goodbye to her or to his previous life. Meanwhile, one of his mistresses, Helga, called him to arrange meeting. She said, i am in your city and i am coming for half hour. Gerard promised to himself, it will be last time and then i will call Alicia to come back to me. Gerard entered into hotel’s coffee bar to drink coffee with Helga.  Suddenly he felt that someone is watching him. Near this table, woman with black shades smiled to him. It was Alicia, who came back to give him another chance. When she saw Helga, she approached to their table and said : “Enjoy in this coffee, even i think it gets cold already. ” Gerard never saw Alicia again.

To get back on the start of this story, different women need different approach. Some women will be pleased even for crumbs of man’s attention. Other women will never accept to stand in the line and share man with other women. So, we are different. Some of us will more appreciate invitation of football match than rose petals. Some of us will accept to sleep on the floor with right man better than to spend night in expensive hotel . If you are man, and if you use wrong approach for woman you like, think about where you went wrong.

If you love woman, you should start from her nature, not from generalization, that girls are pink, and boys are blue. Some of us are black, violet and red, and you should have guts to stand near our fire.

Is it always necessary to speak the truth?

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Playing with other’s feelings is very cruel game. Manipulative people know very well how to use fragile heart as target to get their score. Deceived person is a victim, and every bitter experience means that you lose faith in love.

Human nature is far from perfect, so sometimes we will hurt others without intentions, just because we were on wrong place in wrong time, or we said something what we should not say. In some situations we are in doubts: speak truth, keep silence or say a lie? Love relation needs good balance between truth and things we keep in our privacy, under lock.

Some kind of lies will be discovered at first sight. 

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That are things you can check very easy and it is not worthy to say different than truth.

Lies about ages. If you said you have 30, and indeed you are 45, sooner or later your real ages will be exposed.

Lies about profession. You said you are successful manager, model or singer? Indeed you work as waitress and you sing only under shower.

Lies about financial situation. You said you are rich, but your credit card is empty for a days? Let me see how you will pay expensive dinner.

Lies about expert skills. You know self defense and karate? Hmm, let me check, how you will face it with my nasty neighbor who is involved in street fights every weekend?

Lies about your roots. You relative is Justin Bieber? Your grandma was Russian princess? Sounds nice, but how can you prove this? You wish to belong to jet-set, but your parents are manual workers and they work in the factory, so you don’t have to shame of this.

Also, there are things which should stay hidden, at least until you get know your partner very well. 

What you will not tell in first date, or even you will shut up forever?

Your story about sex with two guys in one night. I don’t think that is something anyone brag about. If this happened, better to close your mouth forever. If that story can’t be discovered, you don’t want to be first to expose that. If someone try to brag about this, deny. 

Your unusual sexual habits. You used whip during sex? Ex partner made camera show about your hot night with him? If he can keep secret, you can do it too.

Your ex relation with married man. Also this is not something to be proud of. That is over, why to dig out this sad story?

Sexually diseases. That night with stranger, without condoms, was too expensive for you. If it is not aids, better to keep secret about this. That is over, you have no anymore HPV, chlamydia, herpes, etc. Things happened before few years, you got medicine, be careful next time and don’t talk. Don’t expect your partner would understand you at first sight.

There are many things which happened in one moment when our sense was not awake. We were young, under passionate moment, or simply we put too much risks on our back. This are situations “live fast, die young” and when this happens you don’t want to die and you regret because you did it. The last thing you need is judgement, because it would be flash back, you can pass this again over and over.

Truth is very powerful weapon, and there is a time and place when you can expose naked truth. Who will be hurt, how does it affect on other lives? Count your victims and be sure is it good to open that Pandora box. 

Some people live in mislead that everyone is innocent, perfect and pure, and those who are not are ready to be burned in hell. That is not human, because we can’t predict situation when something will happen to us. Sam was business man and also member of politic group, role model for his children and beloved husband. He spent few days in hotel at business trip. He met sexy woman and she was prostitute. He thought, why not to use opportunity, but she diseased him with gonorrhea. He refused sex with his wife when he came home, for a month. His excuse was business stress. Wife never found out. He stayed in her eyes as beloved husband and perfect father.

Before you search for a truth, ask yourself are you ready to hear this? Can you face it with every dirty detail about your partner or friend? There are some things on which we build trust. Also, other things are here to stay buried, because other’s won’t be hurt and nobody get satisfaction from this. If you decide to slap someone with truth, think about side effect, and other side of the mirror. Things will never be the same after your story.

4 steps how to be selfish

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Selfishness is a trap without bottom. Everyone will fall into this seduced by own desires and wishes. The main difference is in control, how much are we able to resist and fight against this demonic feeling?

Every human relation will consider selfishness as enemy. Mother can’t be selfish, friends can’t think only about their needs, lovers must share things and accept opinions from other side.

How you will recognize this moment when you were selfish?

Selfishness will develop from small seed into monster plant. 

First stage: you are talking only about yourself, even you are not alone. “I think we should go there. You need to accept my proposition, i know the best.”

Second stage: denials of other wishes and needs. “I think you are not so experienced to do this. Let me do this.”

Third stage: you do mistakes, but you don’t want to admit it. “What, did i mistake? It could not happen to me, i am perfect. “

Fourth stage : you will blame others that they hurt you, without seeing your contribution. “But you insulted me and i slap you. You provoke me so i broke your nose.”

When person is selfish, she will made small circle. There will be people who are made accord her wishes. That people will clap their hands for all her actions, they will confirm what she is doing even she does wrong. This circle will be closed for everyone who thinks different. Ego is creator of this circle and such person doesn’t allow criticism or different opinions. This is small world and dictator is sitting on big chair surrounded by his smarmy friends.

The most beautiful relations develop from differences. When someone make a challenge, he will not insult you. An opposite, this person tests you how much you are brave to accept differences. The best friends i made are those i had some argument at the beginning. Once when we agreed about our preferences, we made great healthy deal. 

You can see good example of selfishness at internet pages. Add me, chat with me, like my page, accept my tags. All this is nice and interesting, but what you offer for return? Silence, ignorance, arrogance or just a hint that others are too small for you?

Famous persons are celebrities because their fans made this from them. Without audience, every cocky star would be nothing. 

Selfishness will show her dark face once when you lose friends or person who is owner of your heart. This is only medicine for egoists, because then they will be finally faced with themselves. 

“Mirror, mirror who is the most beautiful woman in the world? It must be me.” Like in old fairy tale, your ego wants to kill all rivals , but the biggest rival is inside of you. 

Why some women need alert to chill out from guys?

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Popular man will capture much attention. Many women will try to catch him , on various ways. If you are famous model, i believe that is not easy for you. Probably, you got tired from women because they are on every corner and waiting for you. Leonardo di Caprio once made love with 3 women in the same day, he did not want to reject their offer. When you are guy who jumps out from the crowd, when everybody wants to touch you , it must be exhausting. Even worse, you will try to find ways how to get rid of boring women.

You don’t have to be famous to be in the center of attention. Some guys have charisma, and women will stalk especially them. That is in women psychology, they want guy who belong to someone else, who had many relations and adventures, and who is popular. It doesn’t mean why this guy is popular. This could be his sexy look, intelligence, money or originality. He is simply different than others, as golden bracelet from the bunch of stones.

I understand that such guy will not have an easy life. He wish to reject women, but his manners will not let him, and they will use this as their advantage.

Randy was target in woman world. Boss of private company, handsome and unmarried. His phone was ringing all the time, his colleagues wanted to sleep with him, even his business partners. He was in uncomfortable situation when one project failed because he rejected to have sex with woman who was in charge for this. She set him up when she get out from his office with ripped blouse. He had much problems when she accused him for rape. Lucky, he hired good lawyer and he solved this problem without court.

Guys will be in more uncomfortable situation than girls when it comes time to reject some women. She could be your best friend, and how you will avoid to hurt her? She could be your supervisor, so you can lose job. Also, she could be sister of your best buddy and you will have problems because he will trust to her.

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What is cold shower strategy and how to persuade women to chill out from you?

Recognize signs. If she ask any excuse to talk with you all the time, she is into you already. Your phone constantly rings and her number is always on screen, so she wants to be your shadow. Don’t answer on every call or message. You need to make a distance.

Be official, but not rude. You have no time, you are busy. This could tell her that you are not interested.

Use short words or messages, as no, sorry or thanks, i don’t want. Long explanations will lead into conflicts and you don’t need this.

If she tries to touch you or seduce you, tell her that this is unacceptable and that you feel disturbed. You see friend in her, but nothing more.

Talk about other women in her presence. Ask for her friends, sister or cousins. That should chill her out, nobody likes competition.

Be clear. Don’t use games, because she can wrongly understand your signs.

If woman is normal and healthy, she will understand that she has no chance. If she is stalker or insane, you are in trouble, but it is not unsolved problem. I read about girl who called his ex boyfriend over 10 000 times , so he notified police. That is criminal act and law will deal with this.

As much women are on target of stalkers and maniac, men are also not spared of craziness. Rejection is hard and it breaks hearts. In this situation is very important to have cold mind and nice manners. Don’t yell as savage man, don’t swear and don’t use fists. There is no need to insult woman because she crushed into you. It happens, Cupid is not always fair. Sometimes, you will be crazy in love, and your choice will be person who is not interested at all. It could be also opposite, that you don’t like person who wants to date with you.

Rejection is not against good manners, this is just an attitude that you have right to choose. You want your space for someone else, and others should be notified. Also, on that way you will get good points from other women, because you are guy with standards and principles. You know how to say no, and you don’t date with women due to wrong reasons.

Experience – gift or burden?

Experience is gift with double meaning. We learn where we failed, and later this precious knowledge will be used as lesson. Also, experience is a burden and next time when we open new chapter, doubt is around us, as grey cloud on the sky.
Sometimes, we will get out as damaged toys from love relations. Love scar will be too deep and it will heal very slow. How to date with person who has broken heart, without opening old wounds?
These are things which happens in love relations, as side effects:
Cheating. Relation with infidelity is hard burden. Partner was cheating you, and your trust is broken. Next time, when your new partner will take a look on other woman, you will imagine them in bed.
 
Violence. Partner had hard fists? You fall on the scales, you hit on the door few times on month? If your new partner raise voice, you will think he will punch you.
 
Lies. Your ex partner was a liar. He lied about his job, family roots, even he maybe had double life. Your relation was an illusion, so now you are checking twice everything what new partner will do or say.
 
Death. You lose your partner because of serious illness or by accident? Fear of losing will be present in new relation.
 
Irresponsibility. Your partner did not want to work , he lost job or he even secretly stealing your money? Now your credit card will be under lock. 
During life we met various people. This is lottery, we can’t choose who will enter in our life, but we can learn how to deal next time if something is suspicious to us. As much experience learn us, also this is an obstacle. Will you turn into hopeless person because something in your life went wrong? How to open heart to new people , how to give them chance?
Inexperienced people have easier way. They are not busy by life lessons. First love is naive, clean, pure, without doubts and expectations, without tales from ex relations. Love is a race, and we start from different positions. Man without experience is outsider. He is not aware what will be in the corner. Woman with experience is careful, she wear double glasses.
Experience can’t close new door, we can’t let it to blew new opportunities. Show that you are different, through jokes, tenderness and softness. Show patience, but don’t let your distrustful partner to make you as victim. You don’t have to pay debts of ex partner. That must be bury deep into past.

Do you feel you will never love again?

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Dwell in past relation is not just sabotage of your future. Bad flash back could ruin your new feelings, and you might feel sterilized. This time i will not talk how to get over your ex. I will talk what happens after dramatic relation which eaten up your feelings. Side effects might be dangerous for your feelings, self confidence and self respect.
First i wish to mention red flags which helps to recognize your relation as destroying.
 
You fight with your partner and he doesn’t spare your feelings. 
 
In this kind of conflict all is allowed. He will insult you until you faint.
 
He cheats you in front of your eyes and he doesn’t care what you will say.
 
He is embarrassing you in front of your friends and family.
 
He doesn’t know when is your birthday, he doesn’t celebrate holidays with you and anniversary is not something what he wish to remember.
 
He doesn’t care if his friends are interested for you or if they flirt with you.
Whoever was in that kind of relation will know about what i am talking about.
Maybe is understanding better if you see what happened to Gilda.
After breakup with Chase, Gilda was devastated. She could not touch or kiss guy one year, not because she had no chance. She felt frozen as iceberg, because she was dwelling in her past. Gilda was kind of passionate woman and she surrendered herself to this man, in complete. After he gone, she did not have anything to offer to other man. Friends gave her hint to other handsome and good guys, but Gilda did not feel. Her smile was lost and she was as Snow queen in fairy tale written by Hans Christian Andersen. Piece of ice stabbed her heart and she could not fall for anyone. What is funny part, Gilda did not want to get back in her previous relation. She met Chase with his new woman. All what she felt was nuisance. His new woman was older and ugly. Chase adored her, and Gilda could not manage why. Every time when Gilda thought about him, she did not feel love. She felt that Chase is disgusting guy, because he could insult Gilda and treat her as garbage, but he was melting in arms of that new, ugly woman. Her appearance killed all her feeling, but as when cancer is removed, some healthy parts gone too. Gilda could not fall in love in new guy.
Can we force new love, just because old relation is ruined? Can we open our heart because we need that desperately to forget old love? We can’t force but we might understand.
Now , you are aware of facts:
Old love is vanished. He or she will not come back.
 
You don’t feel regret. So, you doesn’t want to come back either.
 
You are empty because your heart is destroyed.
Devastated land is not dead area.
That is in fact, clean area. How is nice when you don’t drag past reminders with you. It means you are single not just by default, you are single in your heart. When new partner looks at you, he will not see reflection of someone other in your eyes. That is the most important, and emotional sterilization is just temporary.

Play hard to get

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You think that guy is so hot, but unavailable to you or at least  you can’t keep him more than few days. Women will say play hard to get, but not everyone knows how to play that game on right way.
This is big dilemma, will he understand our signs?
It is not easy to play role of ice queen once when you fall in love in someone. When you don’t want someone, that is much easier.
When woman is not interested, her signs are obvious.
She doesn’t reply on messages.
 
She will find any excuse to reject your invitation for date.
 
She will not care about her outside look. Hair is not clean, dress code is casual, and socks are with holes, so who cares?
 
She will be surrounded with her friends. More female friends around her, the less this pest will annoy. She will create own wall.
 
She will be busy even with watching movie or reading boring book , just not to talk with you.
Game hard to get is more complicated. She is into you, but she doesn’t want to admit this. This is cold war. Guys will be confused, but often this game will give good results. She is something worthy of try. Relation with her would be very interesting.
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Signs are next:
She will reply on your messages, but not immediately, with delay. 
 
She will talk with you and suddenly disappear from inbox because she wants to catch your interest. Or her cell phone will ring in the most interesting moment.
 
She will date with you, but you are the one who must call first after this date.
 
She will be sexy for you, pretty, elegant, accord occasions. 
 
She will be alone and focused to you. Her friends are not desirable when she meets with you.
When you start something new, this is risk on both sides. Men are afraid not to be ashamed or hurt by ignorance. They will risk pride and dignity, and rejections are not comfortable especially if guy get burned before. Women will risk their dignity and self-respect, especially if they accept sex and after that he disappears. Both sides can lose and win, depends on situation.
If you play hard to get, you may confuse your man, but at least he will respect you. If you call him all the time, if you follow him everywhere, and more worse, if you accuse him why he is silent from you, he will run very fast. Force and despair are the worst enemies of every possible romance. Man is hunter, and let he miss you. Where is she and what happened with her? Do i have competitor?
Some women will use old trick to be in company with handsome guys, just to make bigger price of their values. As in cave, the stronger man will get woman, when he uses paddle to beat competition. That is in human nature, our ego wants to feel special. If man says “Nobody wants me” he will dig his own grave. Indeed all women will chill out. Women don’t like to break the ice. Virgins and cowards are not desirable match.
No matter if you are man or woman, hard to get is always desirable game. That is in human nature, as people like to compete for better university, workplace , car or house, the same they will wish better woman or man.
As much we don’t want to admit it, love is kind of victory. Our heart won in that race. We got subject of our desires.

How Cupid fails?

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Cupid picks his victims randomly. You don’t know to whom you will fall in love, and suddenly his arrow hits you in the middle of heart. Do you think that person will be handsome, smart and rich guy? Do you think he will love you back? No, that is not guarantee. He can be average or even ugly. He is maybe poor and nasty. If he doesn’t love you back, you can’t blame him either.

We are responsible for our choices, but how to explain this to your heart? Some of us will never recover from unhappy love story. Before 11 years, Croatian actress Edita Majić made decision to become a nun. She settles down in Spanish monastery, as  nun with high level of discipline. She had problems with drugs and her love story had bad end. Now she says, she is very happy.

What can happen after your sad love story?

You wish to escape from this world. Some will make suicide.

You wish that you never see person who broke your heart again.

You will stop to believe in love and maybe this is root of promiscuous life in future.

You start to hate opposite gender. Maybe you wish to be gay or lesbian.

We can fall in love so many times. Sparks are eternal, so physical attraction is possible with many persons. When we talk about love , story is different. If you loved someone deeply, it will be hard to replace this person. In any way, if you love more times, this story will never be the same. Beloved person will leave track in your soul and if you start to compare your present partner with your lost love, problems are already here.

What if you never had courage to admit your love? Maybe you felt that is impossible or that you are less worthy. Maybe your soulmate is far away, taken or you can’t fit her into your reality. In this case, why don’t to swim in ruthless sea of love? Even you are aware of negative result, you can be richer for one experience.

Owen fall in love in Helen, but she was ten years older than he. She accepted his offer for relation, but he could not bear burden of his prejudices. Whatever wrong happened, he blamed her. She get out of this with scarves. He was also suffering, but not for the same reasons. He was victim of own insecurities, complexes and immature attitude.

Some people act as they will marry every person which they meet. That is not the point of love. Sometimes, we just enjoy without plans. We are here to learn , to have background for sweet memories. We can’t blame someone who gave us beautiful lesson about love. Maybe that partner was not suitable, but heart has own standards. 

The worst you can do is to talk bad about previous relation and about person who loved you. It is like you hit diamond through your window, into garbage. 

This is how your ex should talk about you and you about him, if you did not hurt each other too much:

” I am happy i spent wonderful time with such special person. Even we are not together anymore, i wish you all the best in your life.”